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How would you determine if a post is believable or fake while remaining inclusive of marginalized groups who are often told their experiences are not real?
Currently we tend to share reader u/alien6's sentiment from an old META post:
This is a reminder that due to the nature of this subreddit, it is usually impossible to verify any story submitted here. In many cases, details have been changed by the OOP to protect anonymity. In other cases, details may be misremembered or embellished in the retelling. Some stories may be heavily fictionalized accounts of real events, and some may be complete fiction from beginning to end. We invite you to use your best judgment, remain skeptical, and remember that truth is often stranger than fiction.
Also from a previous META thread, u/memeelder83 wrote:
I've seen a lot of people comment that they think something is fake because they haven't experienced a certain thing, but someone else will weigh in that it aligns with their experience. That's basically impossible to moderate on.
But since u/Bekiala posed the following question last month, we'd like to hear your thoughts.
Sometimes a post will look fake but I can never know for sure. What in a post leads you to think it is fake? I'm trying to hone my ability to pick out misinformation.
While we have a rule that low effort comments like that happened or this is fake are removed based on early feedback during the sub's first year, discussion of discrepancies & details that put into question the authenticity of a post are allowed if not in violation of other rules.
CONCLUDED OOP receives an email from their former therapist declaring their love. With a note from the therapist's husband asking for more details at the end...
Reminder, I am not OP. This is a repost.
Original Post from August 6, 2022 - My former therapist contacted me and “confessed” to having feelings for me during the time I was her patient. I believe her husband or STBX-husband sent the email. I’m worried her session notes might not be secure
Yesterday I received an email from an address that I have never had correspondence with. It was my former therapist (supposedly) and she confessed to having feelings for me and not stopping our therapy sessions soon enough. At the end of the email was a note from her husband (maybe soon to be ex husband, not sure their marital status) that said that I should email him if she had an affair with me or if I saw anything to suggest she was having an affair with someone else. The fact that he added that at the end of the email gave me the vibes that he’s looking for dirt on her.
Even if the “confession” were true I think it is very unprofessional to send it to people where you are unsure of their ability to handle such “news.” I am also worried that if her husband has access to this email account that he could potentially have access to her session notes.
Bottom line is I don’t know if she approved of the email being sent or if the husband sent it pretending to be my former therapist. I don’t even know how best to report this violation. The state licensing board shows her license is still active but in the email it states that she was not working as a therapist any longer.
I contacted the practice that she was working for when I was her client and left a message. I just don’t know what else to do, the whole thing has me very shaken.
I was her client while living in Utah.
I apologize if there is nothing illegal that happened and so this isn’t the right sub for this
Update given as an edit on the same post.
Update: my ex was also emailed, we saw the therapist together a couple times, and she also called the therapy practice and talked to someone. My former therapist left the practice 5 months ago. She is no longer practicing as a therapist, but rather a life coach. Her license is still active though. The practice is reporting to the state licensing board. The practice got in touch with the former therapist and she provided names and emails of everyone who received an email. The practice sent an email to everyone who received an email and apologized and let us know that she had no access to their system once she left the practice. They do not know why she had email addresses of former clients still. They said that it was a HIPAA violation and gave the link where we could file a complaint with the licensing board. It seems like it was the (ex)husband who did it, apparently there is a very nasty divorce happening.
My thoughts on the whole ordeal: I am angry that my privacy and trust was broken due to her carelessness. However, it does appear that she wasn’t involved in sending the email so she could be a victim too. I’m doubly angry at whichever of them sent the emails. They have no idea the emotional state of the recipients or if they could handle such a shocking “confession,” even if it was true. It was very difficult 2 years ago when she informed me suddenly that she would no longer be able to see me as a client because she was stopping seeing any male clients. I had just divorced, was living on my own and it was the early days of the pandemic so I was entirely alone. Being involved in all this has brought up some of those difficult feelings. I have a supportive wife and I’ll make it through, but what a wild trip the last day has been.
Thanks for all the advice and well-wishes, I truly appreciate it!
Again, a reminder that I am not OP. This is a repost.
ONGOING My husband wrote his ex a very sweet email the day before our wedding. I’m not sure how to feel about it
Long time lurker, first time poster so i hope i am doing this right
We (f32, m39) have been married for a bit over a year but we have been dating for 7. Before me he had her(f39). They broke up because she wanted to get married and he didn’t. We share an IPad and usually he logs out from his gmail when he’s finished but yesterday he must’ve fallen asleep with the iPad because I found it under his nightstand. The iPad was on the email, dated back to the day before our wedding. He wrote how this was really happening now. It’s finally daunting on him that it was really over between them. He’s finally getting married and moving on. He apologized for being ready now and not the same time as she was. He wondered how their life together would have been and that whenever he saw her with her children he couldn’t help but feel they could’ve been his if he wasn’t stupid. and made him terribly sad. He’s scared of the unknown with me even if I made him happy and Again that he regretted that they weren’t on the same stage in life. And then some goodbye talk. She didn’t respond to him.
I don’t know what to feel now. I know the woman. She is a friend of his sister and we meet her a lot. She’s married and seems happy. I’m so jealous and I don’t know what to do or say.
I was curious about his proposal to me that was out of the blue since he told me he wasn’t ready yet and suddenly he popped the question. He was very down that period and I thought it wasn’t good between us but then when he proposed I thought to myself that “I was overthinking”. I love him so I said yes and was so happy. It happened a day after his ex got married (2 years ago).
I also remember that he was disappointed that she didn’t invite him and he told his sister “I thought we were better friends”
I’m drowning in my tears now
Edit 2: I made a decision
Thank you very much everyone. I went to bed and woke up to so many comments and I appreciate you all. I’m sorry I was being a bitch in some comments I just felt triggered when a loser writes how they feel sorry for women like me when they admit to attracting loser men. I guess I’m wrong (so so sorry) but I don’t know, it left a bad taste in my mouth having someone to brag about having multiple exes “not over them” anyway pettiness aside:
Anyway I have been crying all night but when I tried to collect myself and really think about why I was crying, he wasn’t even in top ten. I thought I loved him but I guess I didn’t. I cried for the years I spent on him. I cried because I the settled for him because I’ve invested so many years on him. I cried so much because I should have gotten out of this relationship long time ago but every time I thought about leaving, I thought about “I’ve spent too many of my best years with him not to see it through”. I called my friend and asked if she wanted to take a morning walk and a coffee with me. I told her I was leaving my husband and her answer was “it’s about time”. We talked about settling and spending years on something we knew deep down wasn’t right. I told her I thought I loved him more than this and she said it’s normal to try to convince ourselves we love someone we’re “stuck” with.
She told me I was too young to stay in an “ehh marriage” but not young enough to waste more years on him. So I’m telling him today that I want a divorce. This email may have been a blessing in disguise. For the both of us.
Thanks for listening and have a great day.
Note : i used an ongoing flair because i feel like she will update again once she confront her husband
ONGOING OOP proposes to his girlfriend and she says yes on the condition that he gets her a different ring first
Original (posted 21 days ago):
I proposed and my girlfriend said yes on the condition I get her a different ring first
Before I [28f] proposed I spent lots of time looking online and in stores for the nicest ring I could afford and I ended up with a 1 carat asscher solitaire. My girlfriend [29f] doesn't like the ring and wants a different one. All of the ones she has shown me are bigger and more expensive than I can afford. She said she'll accept my proposal if I give her a different ring and it can be a do-over because she said she was also a little disappointed I proposed at home and didn't do anything 'special'.
Truthfully I'm kind of hurt she cares so much about having a bigger and expensive ring. I want her to be happy and have a ring she likes but she is so fixated on how 'small' my original one was and I really don't feel great about it. Honestly my heart broke when she said no.
Edit: As I said in my post her complaint about the ring is that the diamond is too small. For the proposal I recreated the exact meal she cooked for me on our second date and proposed on our balcony with candles around us in her favourite scent. I hope this answers the questions.
Update (posted 3 days ago):
UPDATE: I proposed and my girlfriend said yes on the condition I get her a different ring first
I told my girlfriend if she pefers a different style of ring than the one I got her, I could get her a different ring because I obviously want her to love a ring she would wear every day. I would either keep the original ring as my engagement ring because she made it clear she isn't getting me one herself, or I could return it and put the money towards her new ring.
The ring I had bought (a one carat asscher solitaire) was the biggest one I could afford. Her complaint was that it was "so small" and the other rings she showed me as examples of what she wanted were more expensive than I can afford. I admit it led to a few arguments because everything was above the amount I told her I can afford. She suggested I get a temporary side job to save more money. I've said it would take me a couple of years to save for what she wants but she says if I love her I'll find a way. I'm not opposed to another ring, but we are on opposite sides regarding the budget.
The proposal (me recreating the meal she cooked for me not long after we started dating and having candles she likes on the balcony) was also not what she wanted. She wants a public proposal and I misunderstood when she said she wanted something special. She didn't say public and I didn't infer it. Now we are both aware of what she wants at least.
I just want to thank everybody for the support and nice thoughts. I haven't decided if I'm going to keep the original ring and wear it as my engagement ring yet, or return it because it will barely make a dent in the amount my girlfriend wants for her ring. I don't even know how, or if, I am going to save for another ring. Truthfully this whole thing has put a damper on the idea of being engaged for the time being.
Thanks again everyone.
Reminder that I'm not OP. This is a repost sub.
Edit - I'm sorry about the title. OOP and her girlfriend are both women so it should be 'OOP proposes to her girlfriend and she says yes on the condition that she gets her a new ring first.'
Original (posted 4 days ago):
Apologies in advance, I’m on mobile. Well I’m probably an idiot for asking this but I made this throwaway to keep anyones identity safe just in case. I (M22) am concerned my ldr girlfriend (F25) of 8 months isn’t real and is possibly a scammer. This should be an open and shut case but my mind has been fighting what my heart wants to believe so I turn to you strangers of the internet to get some advice and perspective. To make a long story short we met through Instagram with her reaching out to me and transitioning to WhatsApp by her suggestion. After a few months she confessed to liking me. Me, someone who hasn’t been with someone for years accepted. She was excited and has been saying she wants to move to where I live to be with me since we’ve been together. However despite these claims we have never spoken on the phone or through video call despite my asking (she had said we would soon and then soon never came… multiple times) and the only thing I’ve been able to glean from her is that she is a crypto investor. To keep things brief here are a few of the things that have been adding to my doubt besides the “maybe next times/when I’m free”:
- all her photos look like they are taken from a third party, even some of the selfies look too well modelled.
- Large intricate tattoos on large areas that are in one picture and gone later (she claims they were fake and she washed them for her next one).
- Has changed her WhatsApp number three times in the span of two days to “avoid creeps” which could be true regardless.
- Asks me for gift cards.
- Has avoided giving me names of her family and friends, stating I’ll meet them one day.
- Wanted to get me to invest in crypto for our future despite my hesitation.
- Wanted my bank account details to deposit a cheque.
- Wanted me to open a second phone line for her to use.
- and lately, sending a one or two messages in the afternoon then disappearing for the rest of the day and sometimes all the next day.
I know I should probably be able to tell myself but my heart really wants to overlook all this and makes me feel scared that if she is real then I’d be ruining things. So good people of Reddit, any advice?
TLDR: I am worried my gf of 8 months may be a scammer due to a bunch of red flags yet despite them my brain and heart are at war on the off chance she isn’t.
Update (posted 3 days ago):
Update: I think my (M22) girlfriend (F25) is a scam/scammer
Hello everyone, you may remember me from yesterday and I tried to update the post but it ended up getting locked. So just in case it didn’t update I wanted to thank everyone for your prompt and unanimous response. Whether you thought it was real or not, it was. But to put everyone at ease my bank information is safe and secure and I have blocked “her” and deleted my WhatsApp and the app itself. Honestly debating on deleting my Instagram as well. Take a break from it and focus on building myself back up both physically and mentally so that I can prevent this from happening in the future. Thank you so much everyone for the wake up call I knew I needed but wanted to ignore out of the slim chance it was something real.
Reminder that I'm not OP. This is a repost sub.
Hello! This is actually my first post on Reddit ever.
Husband and I found our dream home - front built in 1889 and the back is modernized. It rings all the bells and has emotionally hit us hard.
Seller disclosed a well under the house that “needed soil every ten years” - that raised my eyebrow as I’ve been around a few wells and they don’t wash out from what I know of them.
We are currently under contract on said home (ya I know I’m excited too).
The home inspector (specializes in historic homes) was thinking it was a cistern not a well and assured me he would figure it all out. Anyways. It’s a well. It’s 20’ across right now. He said he’s never seen anything like it before. About waist deep but he was unwilling to test if it was actually deeper and he was unwilling to get closer. It’s already eaten one of the piers.
I’m absolutely devastated. Has anyone dealt with anything like this before? We’re looking for structural engineers and well experts to see if it can live on. We found out the seller knew it was 20’ across but only disclosed it as a well that needed soil.
pictures of the pit/well/portal (https://imgur.com/a/IwxLScI)
I’m the lady who had the pit under the house - quick update. - Aug. 1, 2021
Hello. A few weeks ago I posted on this page/group about a home my husband and I were considering purchasing and the findings of the home inspector aka a significant 20’ across pit. The pit discussion.
I wanted to thank everyone for the thoughts, laughs, genuine concern and general good natured honest reaction to the findings. A few people even reached out privately to express how concerned they were for our safety….I was shocked and touched to be honest.
I’m here for a few updates:
We opted out of options and will not be purchasing the home.
It was not a sinkhole according to a geotechnical engineer - it was a very large collapsed cistern.
It is currently undergoing aggressive and amazing repair and the home will stand for another hundred years with the new tank like fortification of its underpinnings.
A slew of engineers and properly vetted repair companies were hired to take poke at this situation. I’m thankful to the seller for doing this the right way in genuine respect for the homes future.
The cistern pit clocked (properly measured) in at 13-15’ across and approximately 5’ deep at its lowest point.
Anyways, after I stop crying about this house we will start looking again. Right this very second it feels like I lost something truly precious and important. I realize this is just me being overly dramatic. Thank you again everyone! Upward and onward.
Commenter: Could you wait and buy the house after the repairs are completed?
u/notyomama88: Yes. We could have. Many things went into this pulling of the contract that I didn’t list. It wasn’t just about this hole I assure you. It was a really hard decision.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
REPOST My ex-fiancee is threatening to sue me for ownership of a ring that has been in my family for generations, saying that it "automatically goes to the man". Is this true?
I recently broke off an engagement, due to my ex being a cheating whore. The ring I wore during the engagement was an heirloom willed to me by my late grandmother. It is traditional in my family that this ring is passed to the eldest daughter, and my mother had been keeping it safe for me until I found “the one”. My ex knew this and asked for it when he asked for my mother’s permission to propose. She gave it to him, and he had possession of it for less than 24 hours before he proposed.
Now that we’ve broken up, he’s demanding that I give him the ring back. He’s insistent that Alabama law makes it illegal for me to keep the ring, that in the event that an engagement ends, the ring MUST be returned to the man, period. I looked into it, and all I can find is that the ring belongs to whomever paid for it. When I told him this, he told me that I don’t have any claim on the ring, since I didn’t purchase it, I was only willed it, and that the fact that it was willed to me is irrelevant, since my mother “gave” it to him.
He’s demanding that I return the ring and any information I have about the insurance policy on it (it’s extremely old and much more valuable than your average K Jewelers piece). He says that if I don’t return the ring by Monday, he’ll sue me for it or its value in court.
Can he seriously do this? This ring has been in my family since the 19th century. Does he really own it simply because a) he’s male or b) it sat in his pocket for less than a day? Would the fact that my mother was only storing it for me to keep it safe/maintain the surprise of an engagement matter? It wasn’t hers to give away.
He is, indeed, hopelessly stupid. He's still insisting that he didn't cheat on me, his was merely "opening [his] side of the relationship". The day before I left him he told me he wanted an open relationship, and I totally respect polyamory, but since I'm not polyamorous, I don't want an open relationship. He said that that was great news because he didn't want a "fully open" relationship, he wanted me to stay faithful to him but look the other way if he slept with someone else. I was flabberghasted that this educated, formerly apparently kind and normal man could be such a fucking moron. I told him if that was what he wanted we were done. He actually had the balls to say, "no, we're not. Love you babe, see you tomorrow!" When I got to his house the next day to get my things, he was fucking one of his co-workers. On the kitchen table I built him from scratch. And tried to tell me it was no big deal, since they'd actually been together for months and I'd been "happy the whole time".
Q: "Did you break the table?"
A: I did not. I briefly considered it, but I made that table out of wood salvaged from his childhood home when it burned down, and he's extremely attached to it, and I know he'll never get rid of it. So I hope that every time he sits down to eat at it, for the rest of his life, he remembers what an unfathomable trashvillain he was to me. Knowing that the table will instill him with a lifetime of guilt gives me significantly more satisfaction than the momentary enjoyment I would have gotten out of destroying the table. Plus, I may not be a professional carpenter, but I'm pretty good for a gal who does woodworking in her brother's basement. I made that thing fucking indestructible**. No way I'd be going at it without at least my chainsaw. (Which silly me didn't think I'd need when I went to pick up my spare clothes from my WHORE of an ex.)**
Sorry to unload on you. But the point is that yeah, you were right. I dodged an intercontinental ballistic missile sized bullet. I just wish he'd shown his assholery sooner, and I hadn't wasted two years of my life on someone so monumentally selfish and divorced from reality.
I wanted to say thanks for all of the advice and support I got when I posted on here a while back. I was in a pretty shitty place, and I can't describe how awesome it was to have literally hundreds of people telling me what a pathetic douche-chill my ex is.
As my title suggests, I don't have a thrilling update for you. A lot of you warned me to be on the lookout for him trying to take back the ring himself, which my family and friends were also worried about. I'm very blessed to come from a large family, so on Monday afternoon a few of my male cousins/second cousins/concerned family friends (and their firearms) came to my apartment to "keep [me] company". My female cousins didn't want to be left out, so they came, too (several of them also toting firearms). Through a garbled family phone tree, one of my uncles completely misconstrued the purpose of the "family gathering at ringthrowaway1010's house", and arrived bearing a case of liquor and a massive Publix sheet cake. My grandfather eventually showed up with his banjo and some beautiful pictures of my grandmother wearing the ring in question.
As you can imagine, this turned into one of our better parties, and "ringthrowaway 1010's congratulations on not marrying an asshole party" will live on in family lore.
Since my original post I've gotten a lot of extremely nice messages and calls from my ex's family, all of whom are currently not speaking to him. (His brother called me the day after the Table Incident to ask what happened, and I told him the truth, which I can only assume was passed around.) His dad assured me that my ex won't be trying to sue me for the ring, and told me that if I ever hear from my ex again, I should call his dad and he will "bring the pain". He also sent me a gift card for several hundred dollars to Home Depot, in case I ever want to "make a better table for a better man". Hopefully, that will be the last thing about this breakup that makes me cry.
I also got an STI screening, which turned out negative. My gyno said that everything looked "perfect, absolutely pristine". So I may not be getting married in three months, but at least I have pristine genitalia.
Tl;dr: Family came to keep me safe in case ex came back for ring, devolved into raucous family party complete with cake and grandpa on banjo. Ex is experiencing full-on Amish shunning from his family, his dad bought me a gift card to HoDep for future carpentry endeavors. Not only am I STI-free, my vagina is "pristine".
OP's ex-fiance is trash but her family seems amazing!
Suspected Fake My (29F) husband (31M) got a paternity test on our daughter (5F) and it came back negative, but I never cheated. Now he thinks our relationship is a lie and wants to divorce. What do I do? + FINAL UPDATE
I don't know how it happened and I haven't been able to stop crying all day. I never cheated. I love my husband, we've been together since college and he's the love of my life, he's handsome and kind and while I've slept with two other people, both were before we got together. There is no other potential father for our daughter. We were married already and actively trying for a baby. I never cheated, I never would cheat, and I don't know why he took that stupid test because I would never, ever cheat, but it came back negative and now he thinks he's not her dad. I don't know how to convince him it was a faulty test and I'm so scared.
These past few months it's like he's become someone completely different from the man I married. He's cold, and suspicious. He kept demanding to see my phone, and wouldn't tell me why, and I showed him at first but eventually told him I wouldn't anymore unless he explained why. He's been distant with our daughter too. He stays in his office for hours on end, and I don't know what he's doing. I did not cheat. He accused me this morning, saying he'd done the test after realizing that our daughter's eyes (brown) wouldn't naturally come from ours (both blue) and that he wanted me to get out of the house. I didn't leave and he locked me out of our bedroom and now I'm in my daughter's room. This is terrifying.
What should I do?
Edit: The specific advice I want is how I can prove I'm innocent and how to make sure this relationship works. I want to keep my family together at all costs.
Also, I just had a conversation with my husband. He's out of his room now, and we discussed some things. I told him again that I would never cheat and started talking about a list I made of tests I want done, but he told me that he didn't want to hear it right now. We're going to have a longer conversation tomorrow and he said that he still loves our daughter, and he won't try to keep me out of the house or our room for now. I asked him to hug me and he did. I'm scared that I won't be able to convince him. I just want our family to go back to normal. How can I be a good wife and support his needs while proving my innocence?
TL;DR: My husband confronted me this morning saying our daughter isn't biologically his after a failed paternity test, but I never cheated.
Hi everyone. First off, I wanted to thank everyone who reached out, my original post got so much attention, it was hard to get to everything, but I ended up making a list of plans, and tests I wanted to get done. My husband was (understandably) distrustful of me for a while, but he apologized for the way he acted (which I didn't need) and said that he wouldn't try to kick me out of our home. He did say, though, that if every test came back and I'd cheated, then he was going to "go scorched earth."
We did a few tests. Blood paternity tests for him and me, and our daughter, and we had an appointment with a chimerism specialist coming up, but that got canceled because, well, some of you guessed it, but my daughter is not biologically mine either. I don't know how this happened, but a police officer came to our house and took our statements, and we're suing the hospital where I gave birth. I don't know what happened to my baby, and that is terrifying. I have my husband back, but my whole world was still upended, and I just wish he'd never taken that stupid test. I've been sleeping in my daughter's room, and I'm so afraid that she's going to be taken away from me, but at the same time I want to know where my biological daughter is, and if she's okay. I pray to god she's okay.
My daughter still doesn't know the details, and we've been trying to keep this quiet. The last thing we need is a big scandal. I don't want people who know us to look at her differently. She deserves better than that, she's such a good kid, and she's not some spectacle to be gawked at. If we can find her birth family, I have no idea what we'll do. I guess the best case scenario would be to get a bigger house and all live together, but I don't know if we can afford that, or if they'd go for that, or even if we'll be able to locate them, or if I'm just crazy. This whole situation is crazy. I don't know anyone else who's been in a situation like this. I mean, are there support groups for parents of kids who got mixed up? I googled and nothing came up. Literally all I'm getting are tabloid articles from trashy magazines that slap the faces of innocent kids on the same pages as celebrity sex scandals, and fiction. How do we tell our daughter? I mean we can't tell her now, she'll tell the kids at school and then it'll be everywhere, but we have to say something.
I don't know what I ever did to deserve this.
TL;DR: My daughter is not biologically mine, or my husband's.
Hello, everyone. So, apparently a youtuber my husband watches called Mark Narrations decided that it would be a fun idea to read my post on his channel. My husband recognized the story, because, well of course he recognized the story, how could he not? This doesn't happen every day. Then he went on my account page. Then he found quite a few comments about him that were not exactly... nice. And now, he has asked me for a chance to post his side of the story on this account, so that people stop trashing him. Please be nice.
So, I don't know how many of you have been down a self doubt rabbithole before, but it's not the most logical place to be. It's even less logical when you have the whole damn internet telling you that your wife is cheating, and that she's planning to take the house, and take you for all you're worth, and never really loved you, and you always sorta thought she was too good for you anyway, so you end up seeing everything as a sign of infidelity, and then you get not one, but two failed paternity tests on your daughter. When Covid happened, I got fat. I got depressed. I stopped feeling like a person. My wife stayed beautiful. She stayed herself. I was sure that she'd made a mistake. That she'd regret being with me. I started getting into some online groups, especially on reddit, that were full of guys who'd been cheated on, lost custody, lost everything, and when someone said that his tipoff was that he and his wife both had blue eyes and their son had brown, I felt fucking stupid. I did not want to jump to conclusions, but when I made a post about my fears, everyone said that she was cheating.
People said not to say anything, because she'd use it to hide her cheating and get ahead of me on the divorce. I got the test and I didn't really think it'd come back negative. Then it did. I didn't want to believe it, but yeah, I pulled back. I felt betrayed. I wanted to be a good husband but I couldn't shake this. I tried to find evidence of an affair, and failed. I got another test. When that one was also negative, I snapped. If you've ever been cheated on, you know what it feels like. When my wife denied it, I got angrier. I just wanted her to leave. I didn't want to go through what everyone seemed to think was going to happen. I didn't want to lose custody of my kid. I didn't want to lose my house. I was scared, and angry, and I wanted the truth. I felt like if she couldn't even be honest there was no getting past this. I took a few hours to calm down. When she came back with a list of tests to take, I tried to keep my cool. I tried to keep my cool for so long. I know I was wrong about the affair, but so was everyone else in my ear. My kid is genuinely not biologically mine. I didn't immediately consider that switched at birth was an option. I've been through a messed up time, and I don't think getting angry one time because I thought my wife cheated and was lying about it makes me a monster.
Hi, it's Fullyfaithfulwife here again! I just want to say that 1. I agree that he's not a monster, an abuser, or anything of the sort. 2. I do not agree that he's fat. I love this man very much and have for ages, and we are not going to let this situation break our marriage. Thank you to everyone for all your help.
Hi everyone. All three thousand people who followed me, all of the youtubers who made videos, the people on every social media platform from TikTok to Tumblr, who have been giving advice. My goodness, there's a lot.
Which helps confirm my decision not to go public with any of this. If this is how much attention we get without our names and faces attached... my goodness. I'm very grateful to everyone, and hold no ill will towards the people who shared my posts, but I'm very glad that attention is not directed at my daughters... either of them.
I think you all deserve an update, so here goes.
We found our biological daughter. She was in foster care. I don't think it's going to surprise a ton of people that the hospital we had her at wasn't in the best area, and she was taken home by a family who ended up under investigation, and apparently, when she was proven not their biological child, she was taken by the state. I feel terrible for that family, but at the same time, so grateful to have found her safe and alive. We've started the adoption process immediately, and well, we have some pretty significant resources now. I wouldn't say the settlement money makes up for what we went through, exactly, but it's close to two million. Our lawyer said we could have gotten more in court, but honestly, the hospital wanted to end this fast and quietly, and so did we.
We explained to our daughter that her sister is going to be coming to stay with us, and that we still love her very much. She seems ecstatic at the idea. Here's hoping it works out in actuality.
We're planning to move away from our town, in a few months. We've found a wonderful place in a good school district a few states away, and it has plenty of room for our family to grow.
I don't know what we're going to do about the other family. My biological daughter doesn't seem to remember them very much, and I don't really want to involve them if I don't have to, but I know it's probably morally wrong not to let them know what happened. I mean, that poor mother must not have any idea what happened. I can only imagine how horrible that would be. For now though, I'm focusing on my daughters, and hoping to plan a beautiful life.
Finally-- my husband. I love him more than anything in the world, and he loves me. We've been through hell and come out the other side, and we are NOT interested in breaking up, or ending the relationship, or anything like that. He deleted his reddit account, and he promised that he's going to trust me from now on, because as it happens, our child being switched at birth is more likely than me cheating on him. I love him so much. We're going to be okay.
This will hopefully be the last time I use this account. Thank you to everyone who reached out with help and advice.
I am not OP. OP is u/ta-eviction
so my (18f) dad (45m) and i have lived together since my mom passed away 7 years ago. they bought a house together and after she passed, i inherited her half of the house.
next year i'm moving out for college and my dad's fiance (39), her daughter (14), and their dog (2m) are moving in. our house has three floors, my room's on the second floor, i chose it specifically because it has many windows and i like light. i was also able to make it so that not only it could become my safe haven but my cat's (6f) as well. the third floor has an independent bathroom, is separated into a room with only one window, and another one that could work as a sort of game room or office with a little nook on the side that we padded. i assumed that my stepsister would be moving there since it's bigger, she would have her own bathroom, and that nook is perfect for their dog, who like small places much more than my cat.
when i was packing up my things to start the move, my dad started bringing boxes in. i asked what they were and he said they were my SS's things, that he was putting them there for when she moved into my room. i tried to keep as calm as possible, asking him why he didn't consult me about this since it was MY room, and if it wouldn't be better for her to stay in the other room. he said he didn't talk to me because it was HIS house and i'd be leaving anyway. so i reminded him that i was in fact co-owner of the house, that i'd still be coming back, and that this room is my cat's safe haven, who would have to stay here since i can't have her at the dorms, and i didn't want to disrupt her even more than she already would be with a dog in the house (she doesn't like dogs).
my dad scoffed and said if i wanted to pull that card i should have been paying bills and i completely blew up. i told him that while i didn't pay bills, i cleaned, cooked, and did laundry on my own for five years while working a 60h week for school so i could get a full ride scolarship (which i did). i told him that without me, this house wouldn't even be livable, and he can't just dismiss that.
he said none of that matters now since i'd be moving away so i did something that i'm not sure i should have done. i went out the next day and used some money i had saved up to buy security cameras, installed them in my room, then went to my dad. i showed him the live feed and said that SS would not be moving into my room, and my room wouldn't be disturbed, or i'd evict my SM and SS. legally i can't evict him, but i can evict them. if my cameras are removed, they get evicted. if they do not comply, they get evicted.
my dad was fuming, called me an AH and accused me of wanting to ruin his happiness.
i feel like i may have gone a tad too far here, AITA?
EDIT: i gave my SM a call cause we've always been civil before this and explained the situation to her cause i didn't want to deal with my dad as of now. both her and my SS understand my side completely and told me they weren't made aware of this. my SS has admitted she's always planned to move upstairs since her dog likes it and she enjoys the independence and extra privacy she would have, especially since she has anxiety and often needs time to just be alone and recharge. if they move in (she's gonna have a serious talk with my dad), it won't be on his terms. she said that in the event that the move happens, they'll make sure my cat is well taken care of and my room left undisturbed. i kinda feel guilty for assuming they knew already, but i feel much better now knowing that they're on my side.
EDIT2: all four of us had a talk together, he was still being weird but a bit less if that makes sense? maybe cause he was being confronted by all of us... SM and SS agreed to move in still, although they've put themselves on a trial run and will keep paying rent on their other apartment until the end of the year (when their lease runs out) instead of breaking the lease right away. we've scheduled an appointment at a therapist for early next week (soonest we could get) to try to work through this. as i've said in my comments, this attitude really came out of the blue for him and maybe a therapist can help him deal with everything better. i gave my SS a tour of my room and explained how to care for my cat, then told her if she needed anything from my room while i'm away to just give me a call. then we went upstairs and i helped her make her plans to customise her room since i did it once already and she had no idea where to start off. we should be okay, i hope therapy will help.
INCONCLUSIVE OOP's stepdaughter 'runs away' from home (she is safe at her grandparents') and the challenges of a blended family come to light
I am not the original poster. This is a repost. The OOP is u/wysterically.
SD - Stepdaughter
DH - Dear Husband
BS - Bio Son
BD - Bio Daughter
SS - Twin Sons (in this sub, this acronym is sometimes used for 'stepson' but for the context of this post, it most likely means twin sons)
So my SD "ran away" yesterday. I put it in quotes because she told us where she was before we even knew that she was "missing". She is with family and safe.
Nonetheless both DH and I are beyond pissed off at this stunt. DH wants to drive up and bring her home immediately. While I am tempted to agree, I think we ought to take a beat and reflect on the email she sent before taking any action that will cause further damage. It's the summer vacation. She doesn't have school. We have some room time wise here. Let's assess. I'd love to hear some outside voices on this because everyone in my life is automatically side with us which while comforting isn't necessarily productive. I want to make sure that we do the right things here.
DH and I have been married for just over a year. We were introduced by some friends at a grief support group because we had both lost our spouses. He has one child, SD15, and I have four (BS16, BD14, SS7/7). We took our time in this whole venture, especially me because I didn't want to uproot my kids' lives for something that wouldn't last. We dated for two years and didn't move in together until we were married because we knew that someone would have to change school districts. Because he owned a house in one of the best districts in our state, we decided that it made sense to move into his house.
Obviously it was an adjustment. His family suddenly tripled in size and my kids suddenly had a father figure again. The kids had gotten along before we got married so it wasn't like bringing warring factions together or anything like that. SD did seem very quiet but DH said that she'd always been introverted and preferred reading to people. I had also noticed that when we got together for family outings while we still dating, she always participated but was on the quiet side so I also thought that that was her personality. We clearly missed some signs here.
My SD basically gave us a list of complaints that included:-
- She lacks privacy as she now has to share a room with my daughter while my son gets his own room * My kids are always touching her stuff and have zero respect for her space * She can't think in this house because my kids are too extroverted and noisy * The lack of privacy and my daughter having her best friends there all the time are affecting her ability to (she is in advanced STEM classes and codes for fun) * My kids are bullies * Her father doesn't spend time with her anymore * We keep forcing her to participate in things she doesn't want to because my kids want to do it * She doesn't have a voice in our home anymore
There are viable points that we can work on like my husband has obviously not been stepping up as he should if she feels like he's been spending more time with my kids than her. My kids have an upstanding father figure that they haven't had in so long and they love and respect him. I guess she feels that they've been muscling her out of the frame. I will also need to get to the bottom of this bullying because I don't entirely know what's going on there. DH and I have noticed the usual sibling fighting but it's never been to the extent that we thought someone was threatened.
At the same time I feel like there are things that we can't change. Do we go into debt and sell this house so we can buy a bigger house when the kids start going off to college in two years? My kids live here too, are they not supposed to run and play? Is my daughter not supposed to have friends over? I know that it's a huge adjustment for her but some things just can't be helped.
I also want to point out that I believe that she ran away to make a point, rather than with the intent to stay gone. SD could have gone to her maternal grandparents' house. They're closer, and she knows that they would fight tooth and nail to keep her. Instead she went to DH's family. I believe this is an indication that she wants to come home, she just wants things fixed.
So I'm asking you dear readers (and bless you for reading all of this, I deeply appreciate your help here), do you have any advice on how we can make SD feel like she has a place that is safe for her here and she belongs in this family? How should we treat with this. I know this isn't the typical issue for this sub but I hope that there are some thoughts out there.
Thank you again for your help.
ETA: Sorry about the formatting mess up. First time posting a list. I hope that it's still readable.
Relevant Comments from 00P:
We have a couple of options but only one might really work. We have an office but my husband uses it to telework a couple of days a week so that might not be the best solution. The other choice is the basement. We have a finished basement that currently serves as the laundry room/playroom. The thing is, I feel like making the playroom that the smaller kids use into a bedroom could breed resentment among the children and exacerbate the situation.
Is a playroom truly necessary? Your SD has had to give up A LOT to facilitate you and your children. Converting a playroom into a bedroom seems like it would solve quite a lot of problems. OOP: You're right. A lot of people get by without it. It was just a way to keep the twins from tearing through the house and keep all their toys and such confined to one area.
I think DH and I were really working hard to make sure that no kid felt left out without realizing that she wanted to be left alone, while we wanted everyone to participate in things.
The problem is that I'm not trying to make her feel like I'm not hearing her concerns. Yes this happens in every big family but she didn't ask for this, so I'm trying to respect that.
There aren't any occupancy rules but to us it just made sense. It seemed like the common sense solution that in a house full of teenagers, a 16 year old boy would have his own room and the two teenage girls would share. Second, it's a great idea for DH and SD to have a little time on their own each week. That way she knows she still can get his undivided attention. I agree that DH and I have been dropping the ball on that, and I'll encourage him to spend as much time with her as possible, constructively (because he's pretty angry right now).
As for giving her her own room, the playroom space would work better than the officer because it's bigger. If she was in the officer we could fit a twin bed and not much else. The playroom would give her more space, and privacy really because the only other thing down there would be the laundry room. She would have a space all to herself. In terms of what voice she wants, I believe that she felt like she hasn't been asked about any of the major changes. We just made those decisions that we felt were best and expected her to roll with it. My kids were used to siblings, noise, a big family, sharing everything. She wasn't, and we never took into consideration just how much of an adjustment it would be for her. When she complained about things DH would tell her that she has to learn to get along, but we didn't see how in pain she was. We just thought that she was being a teenager. I see now that we were so very wrong on that note.
I wrote about SD's issues with our new normal here, and I did promise an update if there was one. I have some news on that front so I figured I'd update and get some advice while I'm at it. After DH and I talked for a bit, we decided that we would renovate the basement to create a true additional bedroom. We haven't told the kids who will be in it or what we're doing; we plan to have a discussion with the girls and let them make a decision about who gets which room. We want them to feel like they have a choice here. If they both pick SD's original bedroom though, DH and I have decided that SD will get to keep her room and BD can move to the basement. We think that this is a decision SD needs to win.
As for SD herself, after some discussion with his parents, DH decided to let SD spend the summer with her grandparents. It's not a reward for her behavior but an acknowledgment that she's hurting and needs some space. He's gone up twice now to spend the weekend with her and see her, so they have the time to repair their relationship. There is an understanding that when she gets back she will likely be grounded for some time for "running away" the way she did, but we're working on the situation as a whole. She's doing really well and apparently even started a job helping a professor friend of her grandparents do research, so she gets something shiny for her college applications too from the summer.
DH was a bit depressed when he came back from seeing her the first time because he felt like a neglectful parent. He said that he hadn't realized how sad and quiet she had gotten until he saw her at his parents' place. It was like a light had been switched on and she was so happy. So it would seem that time apart from us is doing her good, which is kind of a blow. We want her to be happy and healthy at home too, like all the kids, but we didn't realize how overwhelmed she was with all of us here now. DH and I are now talking about getting them (him and SD) into therapy in addition to just increased time together. She's missing her father and he needs to take care of his daughter.
The jury's still out on whether I will go with him at any point in the summer to see her. I don't want her to feel like once again, me and my kids are muscling in on her time with DH. The kids know that she's at her grandparents and they have no idea that she went without permission. We've kept that from them because we really don't want them to think that running away is a solution to getting what you want. This is just a unique situation.
Thank you all for the advice, for the metaphorical shaking, and I appreciate all of your words.
Relevant comments from OOP:
- I'm so glad to read this update. It was a tricky situation and I really feel your SD. I do wonder what your reasoning is behind making her compete with her step sister for room choice, even if she is going to "win" in the end? She left because she couldn't handle competing for resources, so to make her start competing for a room the moment she returns seems counter productive. If I were you, I'd give her the win up front. Ask her which room she wants, and then give it to her. Making her negotiate with her step sister for her own space could lead to some serious grudges.
OOP: We want her to feel like she has a choice not that it's just one more thing that we're making the decision for for her. Whether we talk to them together or separately, we still want her to feel like this is a proactive choice that she's making. Of course every decision we make we'll run by the counselor first to make sure that we're on the right path. This is my husband's only child. We don't want to lose her.
- This is a great update. I'm impressed that your DH is really making an effort and showing your SD that his relationship with her is important on its own. I don't think I've seen my dad for 20 years without also seeing my stepmom. I would urge you to not punish SD when she returns. You and DH messed up and she called your attention to that. It doesn't make sense for her to be punished for acting responsibly.
OOP: We'll be discussing it with her therapist. We want her to feel empowered to come to us with issues and to be assertive with her needs. Not to run away when things get too much. So yeah, it's a work in progress and we want to make sure we're not making things worse for her.
Hello all. You may remember me from my posts last summer when my SD wasn’t settling into our blended family as well as we anticipated and went to my DH’s parents until we could settle things. You can look at my post history for the full details.
We have made many changes to try to ameliorate the situation and allow for easier relations among the kids. I wish I could say that this has made everything wonderful but that would be too easy. SD seems to be withdrawing from our family. She spends a lot of time in her room reading or writing or coding or doing some other solitary activity. She prefers to be left alone at least when it comes to us, which is creating a considerable gap in our family. She doesn’t come to us. Getting her to talk to me is like pulling teeth and she doesn’t share with her father anymore because she says that he just repeats everything to me and if she wanted me to know she would tell me. We know that she’s sharing things with her best friend’s mom because one time she asked us if an issue had been resolved and we had no idea what she was talking about. She’s locked us out of her life.
We have engaged a therapist for her and the therapist has said that she feels overwhelmed by the changes and to give it time but with this latest request it seems that giving it time is making SD feel like she just doesn’t want to be a part of our family. Right now it feels like it’s me and my kids with DH on one side and SD on the other. Short of actively forcing her to spend time with us, which is fun for no one, I don’t know what to do. She is currently completely resistant to spending any time with my kids. That’s the interesting part. She’ll spend time with me but if I bring up the kids? It’s like she shuts down completely. She is as disengaged as a sibling could be. She doesn’t talk to the teens at all if she can help it and while she’ll entertain the twins for a bit, eventually she’ll plead a headache and leave them.
When she initially left she said that my kids were bullies. DH spoke to her about that and she told him that she felt like my kids controlled everything that we did and we’re pretty selfish about everything from deciding what we ate on family night to just taking anything of hers that they felt like. I admit that as extroverts they tended to dominate the house, and I know that siblings touching one another’s stuff is a problem. We’ve worked hard at making her feel heard but it’s at the point where our teens seem like they can’t stand one another.
Lately SD had been making a case to attend boarding school. She has also asked to go live with her mother’s parents for the rest of high school. Because of her apparent depression and the fact that her grades are sliding (this girl has never gotten a B in her life yet this past year she had three B+s and she’s freaking out that she won’t get into the college she wants to), my husband is considering it. He and I disagree on this A LOT. I don’t think that the lesson we should be teaching her is that when things get hard, you run away. Which is something I said when she left the first time!!! He believes that giving her space is what she needs at least until she finishes high school (she’s a junior now and would spend senior year wherever we eventually choose). Right now we’re at an impasse while SD spends every moment she can at her best friend’s house or holed up in her room.
So what do you guys think? I feel like letting her go is giving up on her and I never want to do that. I could really use some advice here.
Relevant comments from OOP:
They do attend the same school. As for the root of the problem, the closest she ever came to saying anything was when she said they were loud and touch her stuff. We spoke to them about that. They think she’s uptight. It’s a clash of personalities so as it is now, they give one another wide berth. Her mom’s alma mater is a different school to boarding school. If she moved. To her grandparents she could (and likely would because she’s a legacy) go there. If we have to let her go I’m far more comfortable sending her to family than to boarding school.
She just has senior year left. She’s a junior now. Her dad wants her to go because he saw how happy she was when she spent the summer at his parents place. I pointed out in my last post how he said her demeanor had changed. Even though we put her in back therapy when she got back so she could have an outlet, she’s still obviously not happy here so he prefers to let her leave. It’s just a matter of whether it’s boarding school or her maternal grandparents.
She’d rather not deal with us at all. We can force her to stay but I’m very aware that doing so may cause her to never return when she leaves. I’m staying out of it at this point and letting my DH do whatever he thinks best serves his daughter’s needs.
DH can afford boarding school and the school that her grandparents will likely send her to is her mom’s alma mater and basically an Ivy pipeline. It’s not a concern about losing her education.
You know how sometimes you give people what they want and it turns out that they were testing you? Silly as it is, I don’t want this to be that. I don’t want her to think that we let her go so easily.
I don’t think she hates me. I’m fairly positive that she hates my kids and it seems that the only way to fix that is to let her go to her grandparents.
My SD is a full time resident at our home, just to be clear. Both my DH and I lost our spouses. So she lives here like my kids live here.
Reminder, I am not OOP. The OOP's account has not been updated since this last update, so it has been marked inconclusive.
CONCLUDED OP asks if he’s an asshole for proposing to his fiancé with the ring his late mother gave him instead of giving it to his daughter
Note Update at the bottom of OP’s post, I’m posting here to see what everything thinks of the judgement and comment section, which was interesting
I (36 male) have a 16 year old daughter named Jane. Jane is a great kid and was really close to my mom until she passed away a year ago. My mother gave one piece of her jewelry to her children before she passed away. I was given her engagement ring.
I have been planning a proposal to my girlfriend, Laura (30 female) for about 6 months now. Jane is from my previous relationship (her mother and I were never married). I’ve been dating Laura for about 5 years.
I told Jane I was going to propose. She was happy about it and asked to see the ring. I told her I’d be using my mothers ring and Jane looked upset so I asked her what was wrong. She said she had assumed the ring would be hers since she is my daughter. I explained the ring was given to me and there are other heirlooms (small items like rosary beads) she can have. For clarification I do have the money to buy a ring but the sentimental value of this ring is why I wanted to use it. Laura also helped us take care of our mom while she was sick and they were close.
I proposed to Laura with the ring and she said yes. After this happened Jane cried to her uncle (my brother) about it and he understands both points. His wife thinks I’m an AH so do some other family members. I obviously can’t take it back from Laura when I already proposed. AITA?
Edit: The ring was given to me not Jane. Laura has known my mother her whole life our mothers are best friends and have been hinting we should get married as long as I can remember.
Update: My daughter and brother decided to call my father to come to my house and talk to me. Laura was out to dinner with her friends. My daughter and brother explained to my father their thoughts on the situation. I stayed quiet while they explained their point so that my father could really hear what my daughter was saying and so I could also hear her out. My father is a marine veteran and very blunt.
My father stopped them and said he’s heard enough. He said my mother would have wanted Laura to have the ring and Jane isn’t showing fhe maturity to receive an heirloom right now. He told her he’s disappointed in her entitlement and that she needed to get her attitude in check by his next visit. He also reminded everyone Laura’s been family for years even before we were together even if it’s not by blood.
My daughter said yes sir and isn’t happy about the outcome but accepts my father saying this is what my mother wanted.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
Original (posted 2 months ago):
My wife (30f) and I (35m) have had a dead bedroom for 3 years - should I divorce?
Hi reddit. I dated my best friend from college for four years, then married her. Now, we've been married for five years, three of which have been without sex.
tldr: wife gets depressed, I feel the relationship is one-sided. Bedroom is dead for three years. Things slowly start changing for the better. I haven't had feelings for her for two years. Do I give up?
Full story. My wife lived with her parents before me, so there was a bit of a learning curve to adulting. I tried to show her all the tricks, but she was raised by an abusive dad, so her reaction was to rebel. And to tell the whole story, I was quite upset when she would promised to do xyz and then didn't do it. After a few years, it was not a big enough deal to keep us from getting married.
In year two of marriage she fell into a depression and started a medication that killed her libido. She would come home from work to scroll the internet endlessly. Sex stopped, totally. When I asked for help, the response was an empty promise. She became wholly unreliable. I literally could not get her to help with anything. She always told me she forget, or that "oh I was going to do that" when she really wasn't. It didn't help that her work sucked.
I was trying to keep things running and as normal as possible. There was over half a year she didn't contribute financially. I also did the emotional labor. Asking how she was. Asking if she felt her medication was working. Asking what she wanted in life, from me, anything. Please talk to me.
I wanted to take care of this suffering person, but she was less of a partner and more of a roommate. Some time in year three my heart broke. I became resentful and angry. I wasn't physically attracted to her any more.
I didn't know what to do. Two more years passed. I started going to therapy and learned that I'm avoidant attachment style and she's anxious, a combination which causes big problems.
Early this year, I talked to her about divorce. We almost went through with it, but she promised to work on keeping her promises and work on our sex life over the next year. A couple months later, I asked her how she felt it was going. She didn't know what I was talking about. She forgot. I reminded her, and told her that forgetting was completely unacceptable.
Since then, she's really tried to turn it around. She's making an effort to work on herself, though no sex yet. I'm mildly impressed, but I still have this cloud of anger. I don't feel romantic love for her, and hardly any physical attraction. I still love her - but kind of as a friend like before we were married. Do I give it another go? Or opt for divorce.
Update (posted 3 hours ago in r/relationship_advice)
[Update] My wife (30f) and I (35m) have had a dead bedroom for 3 years - should I divorce?
Rule 5 says I can give one update so here it is.
TLDR last post: wife and I had a dead bedroom and other communication problems. I tried to make things "normal" for a couple of years - but when she started trying it was too little too late.
After the last post, I did a lot of thinking and talking to a few friends and my therapist. I concluded that I needed to ask her for a separation and a divorce.
I had an idea about when I wanted to ask for a separation. But out of the blue she asked about how our relationship was going, and whether I wanted to continue it. I think she wanted to get out too, at this point. I was afraid to tell her that I wanted to separate, but in that moment, looking at the person who had let me down too many times, I told her I wanted out.
Things were friendly after the initial shock, as she arranged for a place to stay and a storage unit for some of her things. She always had a drinking problem but she started drinking heavily. I found her passed out on the bathroom floor one day, and I was terrified of what she would do to herself in response to the separation. But I couldn't own that any more. I was tired of asking her to take care of herself.
She moved out a few weeks ago. The look on her face as she turned to leave the last time shattered my heart. I told her to be good, and she turned around and told me to be good too. That moment was like standing under a waterfall of all of our love from years and years together, crashing down over me. Her teary eyes. I won't ever forget that look. I had married this woman. I feel in my heart what it meant, at that time, and what it meant now.
The first week was a roller coaster of guilt and suddenly overwhelming sadness. But after that, my feelings leveled out surprisingly fast. I suppose that's because a lot of my feelings unraveled over the previous years, and this was like the final knot coming undone.
I did see her a couple of times since, to give her mail and such. It was good to see her. We intend to stay friends, to hang on to what made us good together, and let go of that which did not. And I've been able to let go of much the resentment and anger, for the most part. There's still a lot of sadness. But I think it will pass.
Looking back, I should have left her a couple of years ago, if not sooner than that. I was just so tired of her and frozen in my own guilt, shame, and fear. I was so scared until I gave myself permission to do what I knew needed to be done.
We'll be separated for a while before the divorce goes through. But I plan on working on myself, enjoying the single life, and eventually getting myself back out there. It'll be a while before I am ready for dating, but I want to find someone who can put into the relationship the same effort I do.
If I learned a few things, they are:
- I have some work to do on making realistic expectations, communicating them, and living by them.
- Relationships are 95% small moments. You can tip the scales either way with enough grains of sand.
- Trust is everything.
- Enjoy - even savor - your time with the people you love.
- Be real with yourself. Like super, duper ugly-cry ugly-laugh real. Somewhere inside, you know what you want and you need to figure out how to amplify that voice, and the courage to do what it says. Don't stop yourself. You can do more than you know - or at least more than you fear.
Alright, that's it. Thanks for reading. Have a lovely day, Reddit!
Reminder that I'm not OP. This is a repost sub.
CONCLUDED I'm [37/f] unexpectedly pregnant. My husband (35/m) wants an abortion and to keep it quiet. I'm not comfortable with this. What should I do?
This is a Repost
OP is u/WFT_pregnant/
TW: Abortion, Marital Issues, Possible: Manipulation and Reproductive Coercion.
MS: Happy? (I hope)
ORIGINAL (Aug 30, 2016)
So here's the full story. Please be honest, yet gentle. I'm extremely emotional right now and am on the verge of panic episodes.
Background: We're a childless couple, married for eight years. We both did not want children when we met and got married. We're both pro-choice. I was always clear that I didn't imagine abortion being right for me if I accidentally got pregnant (I respect and really support that each person should have the right to make their own decision in this matter). Over past two or so years I've felt differently and have openly shared my feelings of wanting a child in the future. We discussed it at length. Given the fact that we married based on both not wanting kids, we decided that I will have to be happy without them (or exit the marriage) and I have continued in our marriage missing kids, but with the promise of getting a small dog to fill the void. My husband agreed it would be nice to get a small dog to fill that need, but has since been resistant and changed his mind. We do not have a small dog.
I had the IUD implanted for birth control a few years ago (99.9% effective). It worked like a charm for about eight years. Two days ago (Sunday) I noticed that the IUD had mostly slipped out of my cervix and it came all the way out. We bought an over-the-counter pregnancy test and it came back positive. I made an appointment with an OB/GYN for Monday (yesterday) and it's confirmed; I have a viable (non-ectopic) pregnancy and I'm 5 weeks and 2-3 days along. I actually think conception occurred on/after 8/2 according to my ovulation schedule and intercourse. I had an ultrasound as well as multiple blood tests and everything is coming back looking fine and healthy.
To add to the concern I was off for all of August and drank alcohol almost every day. The OB/GYN let me know that there is an all-or-nothing mechanism and that if there were complications from alcohol drinking that I would have had a miscarriage already. He thinks that it's absolutely fine and that it should not factor into whether we proceed with the pregnancy. He really emphasized this point multiple times.
Now I'm having a terrible time and would really appreciate your advice and insight. My husband wants to keep this all a secret and abort immediately. I'm not comfortable with that. When we spoke about our feelings, I can understand his desire to abort and not have children. He, however, does not understand mine. Instead of listening to my feelings he's constantly trying to convince and pressure me to abort. I feel so alone and scared. He's insisting that I not tell anyone, especially not my mom (or any friends, for that matter). I'm very close with my parents and really just want to motherly or friend advice right now. I've recently moved and my closest (distance) friends are about 1.5 hours away. I just feel so lonely and pressured right now.
My husband shared that he feels resentment toward me. He says that I can just fix this problem by having an abortion and that he has bad feelings toward me about this. When I tell him that this is not something I'm comfortable with he just tries to convince me that I should do it instead of listening.
Our communication is breaking down. This is all new... so I'm sure part of it is just shock and accepting the idea. We did not speak to each other last night for the most part and I spent time in the bedroom while he spent time playing video games and outside in the yard. I think we needed that time to think and recover. I'm sure we both need more time for that. Each morning before leaving bed to get ready for work (he gets up before me) he gives me a kiss in bed. That didn't happen this morning. When he forgot something and came back to the bedroom to grab it, I asked about the missing kiss and he reluctantly gave me one. It was forced and not nice.
I'd hate for our lives to be torn apart. I love him and really enjoy his companionship. I don't think that he'd stay in a marriage with a child, even though when/before we got married we clearly discussed divorce, went to couples therapy to develop good communication base, and decided that we would not divorce unless it was absolutely vital (abuse, cheating that can't be resolved). He mentioned that he felt I was choosing to have a baby over our marriage. Is this unfair? I can see how he can say that and it makes sense. In the same breath I also made it clear that if I were to accidentally get pregnant I would not consider abortion. This isn't a surprise either. He's constantly bringing up the drinking and saying that the kid will have issues. He's not willing to hear that it's going to be fine since the alcohol consumption was early in the pregnancy. Am I kidding myself believing the doctor?
I need advice. Should I listen to his wishes and continue to keep this a secret? What should I do about this pregnancy? I just think I may have trouble living with myself if I went through with an abortion. Am I being unreasonable? Is he being unreasonable?
I appreciate your advice.
NOTE - Unfortunately my insurance does not cover couple/relationship therapy. I have made an appointment to speak with a new therapist for tomorrow after work. I'm going to suggest he do the same.
EDIT: I'm blown away by your generous advice, kind words, and honesty. This truly is a wonderful community and I appreciate each and every response. I'll continue to read any responses that come in and will provide you with an update once something concrete comes to fruition. Thank you.
UPDATE (May 25, 2018)
I wanted to give you kind people an update that is well overdue. First though, I'd like to take a moment to thank you (most of you) for your support and kind words. For the most part the community came through with useful advice. I really needed help and felt extremely lonely during my original post. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
An now on to the update. I'm 39 now and my husband is 37. I was able to see a therapist a day or two after my original post and had a good cry while hashing out the whole story. I told the therapist about the advice I got here (she hadn't heard of reddit) and she agreed as well. I went through with the pregnancy. My husband had the option (obviously) to stay or leave. He decided to stay.
Not only did he decide to stay, but he's the happiest he's ever been in his life. Reminder: we were a childless couple and did not plan on ever having kids. Our daughter has brought so much love into our hearts that we are both amazed. I see the world in a different way now that I have her. He loves our daughter with every bit of himself. Amazingly my love has grown for this man. He has told me that she has opened up parts of his heart that he never knew was there. I understand what he means. The happiness that I feel is beyond words. Both my husband and I are so thankful that we had our daughter. We talk about it every month or so and can't believe how much we would have missed out if we didn't have her. To top it all off, we have decided to have another baby!
So thank you, reddit. Your support helped me through a difficult time. I hope that those of you that took the time to comment on the original post see this update.
EDIT: Holy schmoly reddit. Pinned and gilded for the first time! Thank you for the gold, kind stranger. Thank you to all of the wonderful, positive messages. I have read and appreciate every one of them. I'm glad that sharing my story brought a smile to so many faces (or tears of joy in some cases!).
Making the Note just in case: This is not propaganda on my side (check my history) I found it interesting and decided to post it. It has been brought to my attention by some commenters and my husband that it might be a case of manipulation and possible reproductive coercion so I decided to add them to the TW just in case.
Reminder: I am NOT the OP, OP is u/HokeyPokeyGuestList
I posted this in r/AmItheAsshole, and someone suggested I post here.
My kids and I moved house in March. Day 2 in my new house, and I tripped over a broken paver. Didn't break anything, but I still needed surgery, a three night hospital stay, and a full leg brace for two weeks.
While I was in hospital, my partner (formerly ex partner now reconciled it's complicated) Martin, Dad, sister, bestie and her wife had formed an emergency team. They kept my kids and pets safe and fed, and finished the unpacking. Dad and Martin did a little garden work, removing the broken paver and laying some old fence posts along the fence where next door's dog was digging through.
Week 1 I hobbled to the letterbox, and met next door’s landlord, who my partner has nicknamed "The Bucket Woman". She immediately told me to bring my bins in by 9 am, because it made the street look messy. She demanded I move the posts, because the grass would grow through to her side.
I explained the reason for the posts, and said that once the holes were filled in, let me know and I would move them. And hello to you too.
Week 1 Bin Day 9.10am. The Bucket Woman banged on my door. I’m still in PJ’s and leg brace. She complained about the bins. I said my bestie is coming by later to help me dress (I couldn’t do feet), I’d bring the bins in later. When bestie pulled up, she had to park out front because my bins were in the driveway. (I checked: the Council by-laws don't have a deadline for bringing bins in.)
Next, Martin got temporary approval to WFH at my place. I got home and Martin was escorting The Bucket Woman off the property. The Bucket Woman thought nobody was home, and tried to sneak in to move the posts. Martin said next time, he calls the police.
A few weeks ago the police arrived (Martin was at work) and said a concerned neighbour called about a man and woman having a domestic dispute, and the man was destroying the fence. The Bucket Woman is out the front, watching. Once they’re satisfied I’m OK and there’s no damage, I explain about last week and show them security footage. Later, I see them speaking with The Bucket Woman. She isn’t happy and she goes inside.
I was working nights, and the police visit had taken up a lot of my precious sleeping time. I was fuming.
Then the penny dropped. The Bucket Woman just let herself in while the tenants were at work. So I spoke to the tenants, and I was blunt. I asked if they were OK with The Bucket Woman being in the house while they were out, and said I’d seen her there at least once a week.
In a nutshell, they were not OK with that. Later, one of the guys came around with a box of chockies, thanked me and said they were moving out right away.
The Bucket Woman was furious at me. She says I made her tenants leave, and got her in trouble with the rental agents too. She told me I made the street look messy and hang underwear on the washing line, so how will she get new tenants.
I wanted so badly to tell her to get off my lawn.
Update: I just got off the phone from the Council. "Someone" has complained I removed a protected tree from my property. Oh, I'm going to enjoy this ...
Update 2: Spoke to the Council again. The complaint is definitely that the tree was removed. The tree is definitely still there, and visible from the street. Council are sending someone to inspect the tree. Martin and I will be there, armed with reports and photographs.
I did my bit for democracy, and the nice neighbours from the other side were in the queue to vote ahead of me. They took their own photos of the storm damage to the tree, and OMG it was way scarier from their side of the fence. I've added their photos to the file. Next door don't have any problems with the Bucket Woman trespassing, but he's retired and she works from home. The bloke hates her guts and is happy to keep an eye on our back yard when we are out.
Relevant Comments (OP in italics):
- Oh dear no!!! You hang your UNDERWEAR UP ON THE WASHING LINE??? TO DRY??? I was on your side until that part, you’re literally Hitler now. How will anyone on that entire street ever get a tenant again?? 😂
I know, I am a monster.
Seriously, my washing line is lower than the height of the fence, so the only way she would see what I'm hanging there is if she was looking over it.
Oddly, I can see her washing line, because it's higher than the top of the fence.
Oh my god this woman is ridiculous haha As sorry as I am that this is what you have to deal with next door, I really appreciate the funny stories!
I think if I didn't turn her into a joke, I'd find her way more irritating and stressful.
She point blank asked my partner if I am pregnant. He told her I was sensitive about my "Covid kilos". (BTW, I am pregnant, and I checked the Council website. I don't need a permit to construct a new human.)
Please use textile diapers, shake the poop of them and hang them to dry on your washing line :D
That's the plan. On AITA, I said, come spring my washing line will be sprouting nappies, aka underwear for babies.
- You should have her arrested if she steps on your lawn again.
She's had her one warning. Hopefully she's learned we don't stuff around.
She seems to be confining herself (now) to bailing us up in the street, and asking nosy questions.
Not sure what bailing is?
But I'd tell her nothing is her business.
"Bailing someone up" is when you accost someone and detain them in a conversation. Often implies that the escape route is cut off in the process, such as by backing someone into a corner. (It used to mean being held up and robbed at gunpoint by bushrangers, but this meaning has fallen out of use.)
We take great delight in frustrating her questions.
- Glad you got cameras. Get some for the back too. She is bat-poop crazy. I’m certain you’ll need them (i see your’re prepared already) I hope things get better.
Have you read the post on this sub about liquidass? Now Might Be a good time to stock up on such items in case of emergency i.e. defense
Yes, I had a security system installed with the reno. When I moved in, the plan was it would be just myself and my kids living here. Single Mum, works shifts, has teenagers ... just wanted that added level of safety.
Now that Martin and his kids are staying permanently, and we've found out The Bucket Woman owns next door, we're looking to beef up the security system. And get a more secure side gate so she can't access the back.
I haven't read the post about liquidass, but I just Googled it. I have two teenage boys living in the house with me and I am not even going to tell them about its existence, let alone buy any. To be fair, I'm also pretty concerned my partner not find out it exists either. He's good at keeping a perfectly straight face while saying (or doing) the most outrageous things, so I would be very nervous around him and liquidass.
Bucket Woman v My Dangerous Dog (The Petty Revenge Continues) - August 2, 2022
So the Bucket Woman has not learned her lesson.
First thing we did was add more security cameras, so now most of the property is covered. And we were shocked to see how often she was coming onto our property, and looking through our windows.
I felt sick to my stomach. The reason she knows what’s on my washing line is because she’s coming into our yard and checking. Not going to lie, I had a bad period where I just blamed myself for bringing everyone else in the household into this. We spoke to the kids, and they find her annoying, but not creepy (if that makes sense). We’re checking in regularly with how they’re coping.
Martin hand delivered a letter to the Bucket Woman, telling her she is not allowed onto our property. Any communication about neighbourhood issues should be directed to my solicitor (card attached to the letter). Since then, Martin has diligently checked the security footage and reported every instance of trespass on the police non-emergency line.
A few days later, we had a visit from the police. The Bucket Woman rang triple zero and said I had a dangerous dog, which attacked her. She claimed was injured getting away from the dog attack.
The police checked our house and yard, and didn’t find a dangerous dog. They did find two house cats, a house rabbit, and the disembowelled corpse of a catnip mouse (which was not taken for forensic examination).
Martin pulled the security footage. I’ve been asked not to describe it in detail, but I can’t decide what was funnier: the footage itself, or the sight of the police officer trying to keep a straight face.
Also, if you do plan to trespass on your neighbours’ property, and you startle easily (say, at an angry indoor cat), it’s always quicker to run through an open gate than a closed one.
Petty revenge component: I remain a free woman; Little Cat is not declared a dangerous dog, and gets her favourite tuna treat, lots of head pats, and a new catnip mouse; Martin gleefully adds another report of trespass. And Bucket Woman looks like an idiot.
Our next step was to replace the old side gate with something more secure. That led to more escalation from her side, and more petty revenge on ours.
But cutting off her access to the back yard still hasn’t stopped the Bucket Woman. We still find her in the front yard, looking through our windows, including our (mine and Martin’s) bedroom window. Our front yard is a quagmire when it rains, so we regularly find her tracks.
Martin has taken to spite cleaning the garage every time he sees her tracks. The fence posts lying along the shared fence have turned into our hard waste pile. Every time he catches her trespassing, he adds a bit more junk to the pile. It’s probably driving her crazy, but there’s nothing she can do.
Thank you to u/permabanned007 for suggesting window clings. And thank you to everyone who suggested putting something "interesting" in the window for the Bucket Woman to look at. I found some simple and elegant window clings that are beautiful to look at, and should frustrate the Bucket Woman at the same time. We've picked our favourite design, and next step is Martin will measure up the windows and order the custom sizes. (We figure eye level for him should defeat the Bucket Woman even if she stands on tippy-toes.) Revenge that is both petty and elegant, I like it.
But I still think I will order some replica Huntsman spiders, just in case...
Martin went shopping on the way home, and he's brought home a motion-activated water sprayer, and a couple of rubber snakes. This may just be the most romantic present I've ever received.
Tomorrow he installs the sprayer, and measures up for the window clings.
My brother doesn't want me to tell you all what a kind and generous person he's being, but right now I am sorry for trying to feed him to a monster when I was 4 years old. If you are reading this, I am really glad that monster in the wardrobe didn't eat you.
Relevant Comments (OP in italics):
- When are you gonna file harassment or trespass charges against her? She needs mental help!
Let's just say that I am paying good money for good advice, and do not want to advertise what I could do next.
But yes, I agree with you about possible mental health issues, and I've shared my concerns with the police.
You should compost under the windows in "preparation" for some landscaping. Let her stand in shit.
The irony is, I had money set aside to have the garden professionally landscaped, but that is now being used to pay for the good advice about dealing with her.
Oh boo. Well maybe you can find someone who knows someone with chickens or horses and you can go scoop your own.
Or get some donations for buying the reflective one way film you can put on windows, so she's staring at herself.
We have net curtains. The genteel, suburban response to persistent window peepers.
And roll down sun blinds for the summer.
- But are you still hanging underwear on your clothesline?
I do hope you go all out at Halloween and have some stuff that is motion activated!
Still hanging my Reg Grundies (undies) on the clothes line. Taking advantage of the free sunshine, when it happens.
We don't really celebrate Halloween, but I desperately want one of those annoying pop up gnomes that were being advertised a while back, that you can program to play a message.
You’re an Aussie! Oh, there are so many ways to get her.
One of my sisters suggested I find a rubber tiger snake and leave it in the garden bed by the bedroom window.
My brother suggested I may need a new door mat.
Bucket Woman v My Scraps Bucket - August 6, 2022
This is why we had motion-activated lights installed. (I meant to share this one a while ago, but I got sick for a few weeks and didn't have the energy.)
After the vicious dog attack, our old side gate started to wobble alarmingly. Almost like someone ran into it full tilt while escaping an angry house cat.
We reluctantly decided to demolish it, knowing that would leave us more open to Bucket Woman visits. But since the new gate was due to be installed later that week, we reasoned nothing that bad could happen.
This is also the story of how wrong we were.
Martin demolished the old gate on Sunday afternoon, neatly stacking the remains along the side of the garage, near the bins.
Later that night (about 11pm), I took my bucket of kitchen scraps out to the green bin. I didn’t bother turning on the light, because I was intending a quick trip out and in, and there was enough available light. It’s the middle of winter and close to freezing, and I wasn’t planning to stay out there very long.
I waddle out into the dark, wearing my dressing gown and slippers.
I’d just reached the bins when I heard a noise in the yard behind me. I called out, “Who’s there?”
I call out again, “Who’s there?”
This time, a shapeless figure silently came towards me. I hurled the scraps bucket at it.
The figure screamed, so I screamed louder. Since my brother wasn’t available, I grabbed one of the bins and tried to use it as a shield, but I tripped and fell over the old gate.
Then the lights came on, and everyone flooded outside. I was sat on my ass, looking up at the Bucket Woman, now wearing my kitchen scraps, babbling and waving some papers. (Disclaimer: I didn’t score a direct hit with the bucket, the contents just splashed her.)
Martin grabbed a cricket bat and growled at her, in a voice that would have frozen Hades, “Get out. Nowwwwwww!”
The Bucket Woman tossed her papers in the air and fled, shedding potato and onion skins as she ran. (OK, my irrational brain insists on replaying it like that, even though I know I only splashed her.)
My daughter rang triple zero, the neighbours rang, and so did the Bucket Woman. She said she’d come to serve legal documents on me, and I’d assaulted her. The police took the papers away, but left the scraps.
So I limped away from this encounter slightly wounded, but still a free woman, and triumphant. When I am old, and in a nursing home, the memory of the Bucket Woman with my leftovers globbed on her legs will still make me smile.
But wait, there’s more. Sunday afternoon, Martin looked out the window at the remains of the old gate, and I could see an idea forming. Then he disappeared. I next saw him humping the old gate across the back yard and neatly piling the remains up against the shared fence, on top of the old fence posts. He came back in and said he’d moved the hard waste pile because, “It really is an eyesore for the rest of the street, and the Bucket Woman doesn’t like it when we make the street look messy”.
The words hoist and petard spring to mind.
It’s not exactly petty revenge yet, but if anyone wants to read about how it takes a village to install a motion-activated sprinkler it’s on my profile. You guys may have started a local cult.
Relevant Comments (OP in italics):
- No one serves legal papers in the dark at night. And if in the US you need to be a process server or a lawyer.
Here you can personally serve documents, but yes, it is unreasonable to serve documents by hanging out in someone's back yard in the dark and hoping they come outside. Especially when we've already given her notice that she is not allowed on the property, and that she needs to communicate through our solicitor.
Also, spoiler alert: they weren't legal documents.
(Edited: And just because I am a spectacularly petty person, I just checked the court rules for my state, and she did not properly serve the documents anyway.)
What did the papers turn out to be?
Handwritten notes. There wasn't a file number, or anything that would identify a particular case.
I won't share the contents, because hypothetically speaking, if someone were to seek some kind of order against her, those papers could become relevant to the making of that order. If that makes sense.
Saturday at OP’s house. (Names changed to protect the juvenile.)
The kids were all off doing their own thing (mostly involving mud and/or a football).
Martin and I had brekky which included a liberal helping of YouTube videos of motion activated sprinklers.
Then Martin headed out to install our motion activated sprinkler.
After about ten minutes, Martin stuck his head around the door, and said he’d invited his friend “Andy” around to help “test” it. I’m decent, so that’s all good.
Andy pulls up, and the pair of them start
playing with the sprinkler, ahem, scientifically testing it for the optimal settings.
Next time I look up from my reading, “Terry” from across the road has joined them. Judging by the hand gestures and laughter, they’re telling Terry about the sprinkler.
This is when I decide to go for a short walk. Exercise helps me think, and I have a nasty HR issue to resolve on Monday (I hope). When I get back, “Sam” has joined the group. Martin, Andy and Terry look like they’ve been showing Sam how the new sprinkler works.
All four of them wave to me, and I head inside. Martin follows me, and says they’re going to Bunnings. He thinks they’ve worked out how to place a second sprinkler so it blasts anyone looking into the front window, but people can still reach the front door if they stick to the paths.
Martin and Andy get in the car and drive off. Terry and Sam go home.
Eventually, the car backs into the driveway, and Martin opens the boot. There are two Robo-sprinklers, plus some extra hose and a some other stuff I can’t identify. Andy puts one in the boot of his car, and then comes back to help Martin install our second sprinkler.
Terry and Sam also came back and all four of them
played with it a bit, ahem, scientifically adjust the settings so that legitimate visitors can approach the house without a squirting, but window peepers will get hit.
In theory, the Bucket Woman could defeat the sprinklers by just turning the garden tap off. But she looks to be in her 60’s and is built like the original, so we don’t think she has the ninja skills to reach it. Martin, who is about 20 years younger than her, tried it and gave up (possibly due to excess laughter after someone called out, "The Bouquet residence, the lady of the house speaking" from the bedroom window). Andy, who is about 25 years younger than her, could do it, but discovered there is a very small margin of error before Darth Sprinkler activates.
So, we might have lost the element of surprise. Most of me doesn’t mind if the Bucket Woman has seen the sprinklers of doom being demonstrated, if it makes her stay away from the damn windows.
But part of me would like the smug satisfaction of hearing a shriek and the sound of Darth Sprinkler going off in the night.
Relevant Comments (OP in italics):
- I love how spiting Bucket Woman became a neighborhood project! xD
They all have their stories to tell.
But to be honest, Terry has an amazing veggie garden so he might be more worried about possums.
Update: AITA for wanting space after our daughter eloped?
I (47M) and my wife (53F) are having some troubles and a friend suggested posting here. Our daughter Toni (24) decided to elope and we found out through a Facebook post. We always had a good relationship so this was a huge shock to us.
It hurt us a lot that she didn’t even tell us she was going to marry or that we could see her get married at all. It also doesn’t help that who she married we met once and only dated for a year. Both my wife and I are hurt.
We saw Toni today and told her we needed some space. She seemed shocked and asked why. We told her it’s because we are hurt that she eloped. Toni got mad and told us that is was her wedding and she can do what she wants. My wife told her yes it’s her wedding but there are still consequences with her eloping. Toni called us a unsupported jerks and left.
Edit some common questions, we are close we get dinner every weekend and she pick an apartment that was close to us so she could see us more. We met the guy two months ago he is fine, we invited him back multiple times but he works at the hospital so his schedule isn’t normal.
We just want a few weeks to process this/ feelings and not go to dinner for a bit, just some space
People asked for an update
This whole situation resolved itself last night. We got a call from Toni last night. Her best friend since middle school also found out from Facebook (lives in another state). Her best friend was extremely hurt and ripped her a new one (Toni’s words). It got to the point were she told Toni that I guess you will find out I am married by Facebook. That made it click and she realized she messed up.
Now the reason for eloping and Facebook had nothing to do with us and everything with the guy she married, Jeff. Jeff’s parents are not in his life so he never wanted a wedding since his side would be empty. Also he didn’t want us at the courthouse for the same reason. They thought Facebook would be the easiest way to tell all his relatives. According to Toni it didn’t even cross her mind to call and tell us. So everyone found out from Facebook besides the witnesses.
Now they haven’t moved in together yet and there honeymoon is later this month. Instead of meeting this weekend we moved it to Wednesday to when Jeff has off. We also showed the Reddit post and she was shocked at what a lot of you guys said.
Thank you for all the feedback
I am not the OP. These posts were made by u/throwrabroadsprec with the latest update being posted today
Trigger Warning: child molestation
Our wedding is a few months off, but I want to state I have no issue delaying it at all. He (Nick) was my best friend long before we started dating, and he's been there for me when I was going through stuff too. I lost my job due to layoffs in 2020, and it was an office job I was hoping to move up in. I had been there for a few years, but covid did a number on the company that led to many of us being released. I started as an intern, and it destroyed me when I was released. Nick was there for me when it happened and was amazing, and he helped me apply for other jobs too. I moved back with my parents after rent became too high (I lived alone at the time), but he spent so many nights applying together and texting me job openings. And on other nights, he'd bring snacks or flowers or movies to get my mind off of it in the early stages. Eventually, I found a new job, and he even sent flowers as a surprise one day too because I was nervous and uneasy about starting over. I brought him games and concert tickets (after finding work) to try and give back after how he helped me through that time, and I feel we became closer because of it
The reason I'm writing this is because of a recent conversation. We have been looking for apartments the past few months, but he told me that we needed to talk. We talked two days ago, but I'll give some context first. He has been no-contact with his parents since 18 when he moved out with a roommate and roomate's then-girlfriend. We both attended a Christian school, and I knew that his parents were overly-strict with him back then. He was even hit for keeping friends they didn't like, and he had wanted to move out for some time. His roommates were two years older than him, and he stayed with them for almost two years until they became engaged and wanted to move elsewhere, and Nick had a job to rent a room by that time. His roommates are great friends with us, and they even prolonged moving out together until Nick was ready. But when he wanted to talk, it was about his parents
I didn't know what he wanted to talk about, but when he said his parents, I was a little surprised. He seemed uncomfortable from the start too, but he said he wanted to apologize for something too. When I asked what for, he said he "should've said it earlier" but that he was "afraid of losing me". He also called himself selfish and was really hard on himself, but he said he "wasn't sure if he'd be able to satisfy me" because he "hated himself" among other things too. When I asked him why, he said he did "before high school" and that he was getting anxious leading up to our wedding. He told me that his parents made him feel that way, and he also reached out to a therapist too who suggested being honest with me. His parents were really strict about purity growing up (and I knew that), but this was the first time he was specific because he was ashamed of telling anyone (said he even struggled to tell the therapist). His parents used to hit him for finding stains in his laundry when he was as young as 13, and they told him that that was the "same as committing adultery". They also told him that masturbating would "destroy his family and future marriage", and they would have random checks of his bedsheets along with laundry too
He eventually got around them by doing laundry at night, but they also put a camera in the bathroom to make sure he wasn't masturbating too, and he said they had a video of him masturbating along with using the restroom. They also used to check his private area randomly too, and he began to sleep on his back because he felt guilty for feeling pleasure while he slept. He became better as he grew older, and we've made out on many occasions. He also previously said he wanted to save sex for when we were married (he is not religious in any way now), but admitted it was because he was "afraid of letting me down" because he was convinced he'd never get married. When I asked him why he thought that, he said he read things about purity "ruining intimacy" and that he was afraid of not being enough. I told him that I loved him regardless of anything and that I was so sorry for everything he told me. I also told him that I didn't think less of him for not saying it (until reaching out to a therapist) because it was really difficult, and I told him that it was good to reach out to a therapist too
However, he believes he'll "never overcome it" and that "people like him shouldn't get married". I tried to tell him to not be so hard on himself, and I told him that I thought nothing less of him too. If anything, I said I thought more of him for reaching out for therapy. But he said he was miserable because "everyone said he had great parents" growing up and that they wouldn't believe him. He recorded some of the lectures/punishments his parents gave him (on his phone), but believed it wasn't enough to do anything legally. He also said he was unsure of pursuing it (and breaking no-contact) and was debating working on himself with his therapist instead. I told him that the choice was his and that I'd support whatever he wanted to do. But I felt that my words couldn't make him feel better even when I hugged him because of everything he went through
I don't know how to make him feel better, and that's why I'm asking for help. It's not about the wedding; I want to help him. I'm considering suggesting postponing it indefinitely so that it doesn't make him feel anxious or rushed, and I honestly don't care when it happens. I just want him to get past the belief that people raised on purity shouldn't get married as he said, and I don't care how long that takes. But aside from suggesting to postpone, is there anything else I can say or do too? We hung out at his place yesterday, but we just watched TV and he wasn't ready to talk about it again. He said we could in a couple of days, but he was really quiet and just wanted to chill yesterday, and he has another therapy session coming up too. I really appreciate any suggestions and if you read all of that
The main thing I wanted advice on was what to do with the upcoming wedding. I had no issues delaying it and figured it could be better to postpone indefinitely for two reasons. He mentioned having anxiety as the wedding drew closer (still a few months out) along with the real reason he wanted to wait until we were married before having sex due to his fears about "not being enough" and that "people like him shouldn't get married". The second reason was that he recently sought out therapy, and I didn't want to rush that/progress based on a wedding date. I wanted to tell him that I was more than fine with postponing, but was afraid of it coming off the wrong way. As someone commented, I didn't want it to sound as if I was having second thoughts. Someone else said there wasn't much I could do to "make him feel better" aside from telling him that I believed him which can sometimes do a lot
We chilled at his place and watched TV the day after we talked, and he didn't want to talk about it that day. He said we could in a few days, and we eventually talked about it again. He told me that there was another thing he didn't mention when we first spoke, and it was about his parents. When they would do their random checks of his private areas to make sure he wasn't masturbating, they would touch it to look for dried semen when he didn't want them to, and that was in addition to underwear/sheet checks too. He said he was 12 when he first remembered it happening and that they did that for a few years. Like the other night, he struggled to tell me and said he struggled to tell his therapist too in the beginning. She was the one who told him to talk to me and be honest
I decided to tell him that I wanted to offer postponing in case it was making him anxious and to not rush his therapy progress, and he was happy that I asked because he said he "didn't feel he was improving at all". He's been no-contact with them since 18, and he wasn't sure about pursuing it legally because he wasn't sure if he wanted to reopen contact/drama with others as he believed they'd tell their church. He received flack for going no-contact from a few people from church who reached out to him. He also hated how everyone said he "has great parents" at church because he knew they wouldn't believe him, and that was why he never told anyone there. I mentioned in my first post that we met in a Christian high school that we both attended, and we are not religious at all now. My only question from here is how to help/encourage him beyond saying I believe him when he feels he's making no progress. We agreed to postpone indefinitely, but that is my last question because it's been challenging albeit nowhere near as challenging for me as him
CONCLUDED [New Update] OOP asks do I (22F) owe an explanation to my ex's (24M) family about the heirloom ring?
I posted this here 2 months ago and the OOP just posted an update concluding it.
Do I (22F) owe an explanation to my ex's (24M) family about the heirloom ring? Link - June 15th
My now very recently ex fiance of a year was unfaithful to me. I'm currently staying with a friend who invited our social group over to help me cope Monday. One of our crazier friends said she knew what would help me move on and could help me out with my engagement ring. While unexpected, but not surprising knowing drunk her, she popped that sucker in her mouth and got rid of it with some wine.
I care fuck all what my ex thinks of the ring but now I feel bad about his family and parents as it belonged to his grandmother. I was very close to his family. I may have even returned it to his parents if the situation was different. Do I owe them an explanation about why we broke up or should I just cut all ties and move on? I really do like his family but would talking to them bring more hurt or would it help with closure?
Edit: My friends recommend that I cut ties.
TL;DR My friend got rid of my ex's heirloom ring. Do I own his family (who I'm close with) an explanation?
Update - 5 days later June 20th
I spoke to my ex's dad reluctantly and explained what happened between us and that due to possible tensions we should cut ties. I asked if he wanted the ring back and he was really nice about it. He doesn't want his son to tarnish the memory of the ring anymore and told me to keep it otherwise it would make its way back to my ex eventually. I never had to explain anything else about the ring.
Now as to the ring. I talked to my friend and let her know that I wanted it back. Since she had no luck finding it so I convinced her to visit the doctor a few days ago. It is still in her and making its way out although slower than expected. She didn't try to steal it as some of you thought, just a misguided good intention. She just left for a 3 week bus tour of Europe which unfortunately means public washrooms may now be a factor. Delaying the trip was not an option she'd consider.
TL;DR I'm fine with the ex's parents. I let them know what happened between us and will not get sued. Still waiting on the fate of the ring but it's not gone.
KittenDealinMama - Asked 2 weeks ago (and sent me a DM once OOP responded!)
Did you get the ring back?
OOPs Comment - New Today
She told me it passed super easy since European food made her poops huge (TMI).
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
CONCLUDED "I purposefully ruined my cousin and ex's wedding and it's brought me a lot of happiness." + update
I am not OP, OP is u/randomnamenumber3
I once looked up to my cousin. I thought he was a great guy, and we were close like brothers. I was also dating a girl, I was deeply in love with her and planned to marry her someday. I thought my life was perfect.
One day I came home early because a colleague offered to cover my shift. I was pretty tired so I accepted and went home. Arriving home, I found them in my bed, having sex. Both of them were shocked to say the least. I told them I wanted them to be gone by the time I got back and left the house. They were gone by the time I did get back but she left me a note telling me she was sorry and to call her when I'd calmed down. I didn't call her. I text her saying that I'd gather her things and drop them off at Cousin's in a few days and that she's staying with him now, not me.
I followed through with that. It took about a week to transfer everything. Both of them tried to apologise and but I didn't have anything nice to say to them so I said nothing. I just knocked the door and handed the bags to whoever answered before leaving.
My cousin called me multiple times to try to apologise but I refused to accept it.
Three years have passed since then. I went no contact with them. I didn't bring it up to the rest of my family or any of their friends, I'm not sure why. I just didn't. I got a call from a number I didn't recognise so I answered. It was my cousin. He sounded really happy and was acting like he hadn't destroyed my life. He explained he and my ex were getting married and he wanted me to be his best man. I was so angry that he had the utter gall to act like nothing was wrong and lost my temper. I yelled at him and called him names before hanging up. He sent me a text telling me the offer still stood and if I didn't want to be his best man then he just simply wouldn't have one. A few days passed by and I had an idea. I texted him back and apologised. I sent a paragraph of bullshit saying I was still angry but this could be an opportunity for the three of us to heal and move past it. He was overjoyed and said he'd pay for everything and he'd help me pick out a suit if I wanted, which I accepted because I sure as shit wasn't going to spend any money on his stupid wedding if I could help it.
The wedding day came. I had spent the week prior writing a speech, putting all the negative feelings that had bottled up over the years into words on paper. The wedding was pretty good. I'm sure one of them has some nice well paying job or something because they must've spent a decent bit of money on this wedding from how nice it was. Our entire family was there, as was a decent chunk of my ex's family.
Eventually the time for my speech came. I just remember feeling really nervous as it built up to it and my voice kept faltering when I was reading it out, but I didn't and still don't care, at least I got it out. I explained what these two horrible people had done to me. I called them the worst names I could think of and wished them the worst. Then I left. I was expecting some kind of dramatic moment from all the guests, gasps of shock and all that but there was none of that. Everyone was silent.
On my way home I got a call from my mother angrily telling me that I'd ruined the wedding and both of them were so upset and she asked me why I'd do this. I told her that they deserved it for what they'd done to me and everything I'd said in the speech was true. She kept defending them so I swore at her and hung up. Since then I've gotten several calls and texts from others in mine and my ex's family angry I ruined the wedding. I've also received a few texts from people who were there being supportive and telling me they were there if I needed to talk.
I'm not sure if I feel better having done this, but it did bring me great catharsis when people were telling me the wedding was ruined. At least now they've felt at the very least a fraction of what they've made me feel.
Just a little edit to address some common questions:
As far as I'm aware, the rest of the family wasn't aware of her cheating on me. They likely knew we were dating at some point, then we weren't. I've learned from previous stuff that I can't rely on my family for any kind of support so I've been on low contact with them since I moved out of my parent's house which is why I didn't mention this to anyone in my family.
A lot of people are also asking for the speech transcript. I wrote it in a google doc and read it out from my phone. The delivery was kinda lackluster. I sounded like I was going to cry and tripped over my words but I managed to read it all out. It isn't verbatim what I said, but it's very close as I was reading from this as a general script.
Hello everyone. I'm not very good at public speaking so apologies in advance.
It's an honour to be at this wedding, and an even greater honour to be the best man. I was shocked that I was even invited at all since the last time I'd spoken to the bride and groom was when I'd found them fucking in my own bed. <Ex's name> was my partner at the time you see, but I don't think she got the memo that when you're dating someone you don't fuck their cousin in your partner's own bed.
And it wasn't like <cousin's name> didn't know we were dating either. Who knows how long this slimy c*nt was fucking her behind my back. Weeks? Months? For those unaware <Ex> and I had been dating for two years. I loved her with all my heart, and was actually saving up to get a proposal ring. Maybe if <Ex> wasn't such a whore, <cousin> would be giving this speech instead and I wouldn't have been struggling with mental health for three years.
Anyway, I've heard 50% of marriages end in divorce. I hope yours is a messy one. From the bottom of my heart, fuck you both. You ruined my life, and I will never forgive either of you.
Hey. It's been a while, a lot has happened. I haven't logged into Reddit other than to look at any messages I've gotten whenever I see the notification in my email. It has helped, and it's good to know that people still think about me all this time later after reading words on a screen. Hell, the most recent private message I got was 4 hours ago as of typing this and the most recent notification on my post was 10 minutes ago. I haven't responded to any because I don't really know how to begin doing so. I'd feel bad just giving a short "thank you" and I'm not really creative enough to come up with over 20 good responses. I do greatly appreciate the supportive words though.
Some stuff has happened since the whole mess that was my cousin's wedding. My mum tried to talk to me, said she saw the post I'd made. I pushed her away for a few days before finally speaking to her. I'm struggling to find words to describe how things worked out between us. The easiest way to explain it is that we agreed to disagree on whether what I'd done was correct. I got a mix of messages from those who were present at the wedding, some supportive, some telling me off.
I was struggling a lot, I've just gone back to simply functioning - like I was before the wedding - after I came down from getting my own back. I don't at all regret what I did and I still feel satisfied that I got payback. I was making plans to take my own life about a month after the wedding. I hadn't told anyone for obvious reasons but my mum, uncle and cousin - same cousin who's wedding I ruined - came to me and told me they'd pay for a private counsellor since the mental health department of the NHS is underequipped to say the least.
I went to therapy. Found a counsellor who was very helpful, he taught me a lot. I got diagnosed with PTSD, caused by the discovery of the affair. He's been a big help and has encouraged me to give casual dating a try to build confidence in myself and get used to rejection as a normal part of life. I signed up to a few dating sites, although I'm avoiding tinder like the plague. My counsellor specifically suggested I stay as far away from tinder as I possibly can. I've not been very successful in that avenue but it's pretty much in line with what I was expecting. I've talked to a few people and even got a date scheduled but she stood me up and ghosted me which hurt.
I'm doing good though. Much better, I don't have suicidal thoughts very often anymore. Whenever I'm feeling especially crap I like to open up Reddit and read your supportive messages. That's all for now, I'll probably start using this account on a more regular basis so you may see more of me.
editing note: marking as concluded because OP seems keen to put this behind them, so I figure further updates are unlikely
Hello. This was posted over 6 years ago by u/NotASideChick. I am NOT OP.
TW: Threats of rape and abuse
I [21F] met a guy at a place I used to work two years ago. I felt attracted to him but I was in a relationship at the time. Quit shortly after that and didn't have much contact with him.
Found him on Facebook a few months back and sent him a request. He accepted of course at the time his Facebook said that he wasn't in a relationship. He messaged me two weeks ago.He confessed that he had always had a huge crush on me. I told him the feelings were mutual.
We talked for a week before I lurked on his Facebook and saw some recent posts that a girl had tagged him in. Went to her page and it said she was engaged to him!
I confronted him, but he said that had just broken up a few weeks ago and she must not have changed her relationship status yet. Me being gullible I believed him. He's told me everyday that he wants to see me and take me on the date of my dreams. Something didn't feel right about him so I checked her Facebook again today and there is no denying that they're together.
On his page he appears single but on her page the evidence is clear. I always found out they're getting married in two months, and that she has two children that are very attached to him.
I'm not sure if I should message her and inform her that her fiancé is attempting to cheat on her. Or ignore it because it's technically not my business.
Personally if I were in her shoes I would want someone to tell me before I made a mistake and married a cheater. Who's to say he isn't doing this with more girls than me.
First, I just wanted to say thank you to all that replied and sent me personal messages regarding this issue of mine. You all gave me the courage I needed to message her.
After I made the original post I gave him one more opportunity to come clean to his fiancée. I confronted him and told him that the games had to stop. Either he told her or I did. He responded that I was bluffing, a bitch, and she wouldn't believe me.
So I sent her the screenshots of our conversations, and my phone number. I told her to call me if she had any questions regarding what I sent her.
The evidence was on my side, 90% of our recent conversation were filled with "Are you sure you don't have a fiancée?" and him denying it and calling her crazy, obsessed, and that she needed to let go.
I took a huge risk giving her my number. But the news I gave her needed to be discussed over the phone or in person. She called me an hour later. I expected her to be angry with me, possibly cuss me out. Call me a whore perhaps but she didn't. She cried for a long time and when she was able to speak she thanked me.
We talked for awhile about their relationship and about how she caught him talking to another girl in the past but let that one slide for the sake of her childern. This apparently was the icing on the cake. She added me on Facebook and when she broke up with him she went on Facebook and wrote about how she almost made the biggest mistake of her life. She personally tagged me and thanked me again that status. Felt a little weird about that but I rolled with it.
It wasn't two hours after that status was posted his messaged me and called me a stupid cunt. I was delusional and he never liked me. I ruined his relationship.. A load of bullshit. I sent her those messages and we laughed about it.
We may have met through weird circumstances but I may have made a new friend.
I don't regret telling her one bit, she seems like a wonderful person and she didn't deserve what he was doing to her.
EDIT: I've replied to most of the comments. I did not predict that I would get so many responses. I made this update to inform the ones that commented on the previous post or read it that everything had went well. Thank you all for your kind praise. I don't regret the decision at all. If anyone is ever in this situation it may feel scary but it's the BEST decision you'll ever make. I hope and pray this guy isn't stupid enough to try cheating on his future girlfriends. With the technology these days one way or another you're going to get caught.
He's gotten a posse together and has been harassing me nonstop since last night. I'm going to come to your house and rape you sick cunt. I hope you choke on a dick and die You're gross why would you make up this story, are you obsessed with him?
Although I highly doubt he would come to my house, I'm getting a restraining order just in case. I've also forwarded the messages to her so she can do the same to protect her and the kids. I'm not sure what he is capable of.
User cautioning OP about the threats made against her.
Her response: Thanks for the advice. I forwarded her the messages as well so she can get a restraining order also. I think that he is the type of person that will talk a lot of crap but not act on it. He's upset because he got caught. I found out last night that she had taken out a loan for a new car, and was paying for him to go back to school. He's probably full of revenge because he's not only lost his moneybags, he's lost his car, tuition and his place to stay. The restraining order is to scare him, and I'm sure once we both get one all of this will stop.
CONCLUDED Mildred tells OOP to stop texting her boyfriend despite OOP being friends with him for a literal decade
Mood Spoiler: Satisfying
My bestfriend's girlfriend wants me to back off - posted July 29th, 2022
Not even sure how this happened but I'll do my best to explain.
I (25 F) have two guy best friends, let's call them Leo (25 M) and Kaleb (26 M). I have been friends with both since we were 15 and we have been thick as thieves for many years. We've had some times without communication, (I went to an out of state Uni, Kaleb moving to a different city, Leo going through some stuff, etc.) Overall, we have been close and even with our small stints of silence have never failed to reach out to each other.
Leo and I have recently started to test the water of being together and it has honestly felt like a dream, we were already good friends and having my first relationship be with someone I trust has really helped my worries of dating. Throughout this, Kaleb is our top supporter and he's talked to us about visiting him possibly in November. Leo is still getting settled in his new job, so it's mainly been Kaleb and I texting about going out to see him.
But his girlfriend somehow got my number and recently texted me.
It went something like: Hi :) this is Mildred, Kaleb's gf?
Me: Oh hey, what's up? Did Kaleb give you my number?
Mildred: That's not important. I just want you to know that I think it's inappropriate for you to be texting someone that's already taken.
Me: Um... I know he's taken. I am confused is something wrong?
Mildred: Yeah, I really don't like how you have been talking with my boyfriend about coming to see him. You need to cancel whatever plans you're making and leave him alone. He's already got me.
Me: I know you're with him. I'm not the only who is gonna be coming to see Kaleb, my s/o is coming too.
Mildred: Well he hasn't been texting my boyfriend nonstop, so stop it and leave him alone.
She blocked me after the conversation and I don't even know if Kaleb knew about the conversation. I didn't think our conversations were any different than usual, just figuring out the days that work for all of us and sending each other memes or dog videos. Should I call Kaleb and tell him about the conversation or just leave it alone? Mildred never really reached out before this and I don't want to stir the waters if this just a one time moment of something.
Tldr: Best friend's girlfriend texted me to leave him alone, then blocked me. Not sure whether to call and confirm with friend.
Update - posted Aug 6th, 2022
Thank you everyone that commented on the previous post and giving some advice on how to deal with this frankly strange situation. Took me a bit to make sense of that day, so I'll try to be clear. (The original update might have been removed because I posted too soon, not really sure 😅)
Some of you mentioned that I should avoid talking with Kaleb for a bit or immediately send him screenshots. The same day that I posted, Leo came over for dinner and asked me if I had gotten any weird messages. He showed me his phone and seemed to have had a similar conversation that day with someone during his lunch break that blocked him not long after. Finding it strange, Leo made sure to text Kaleb if he would be willing to have a Zoom call with us the following day with the excuse that we were a bit concerned about something.
Like most of you said, Kaleb had no idea that we were messaged that day.
The next day, we got on the Zoom call with Kaleb and asked how he had been along with other mundane questions out of nervousness. I guess we both wanted to rip off the bandage and asked him if he had shared our number with anyone lately. Kaleb was confused and said that he hadn't, no one had asked about reaching out to us and he was the only one as far as he knew that should have had our numbers.
The conversation then kinda went like this:
Leo: That's reassuring, we were both a little worried since we had gotten some weird messages from someone supposedly claiming to be your girlfriend. But if you never shared our numbers, it was probably someone playing a mean prank.
Kaleb: Wait, you both got messages? Was it from the same number?
Me: Yeah, and our messages were pretty similar. Do you want us to send them to you?
Leo sent a screenrecording of his messages and I sent my screenshots (along with picture details since I have an android. ) We waited while Kaleb looked through what we sent him and finally he asked us if he could make a call in front of us, we didn't have a problem with that and told him to go ahead. Putting the call on speaker mode, we waited until finally someone picked up.
Mildred: Hey baby, what's up? I thought you had a zoom thing today
Kaleb: It finished early, but I needed to know if you have been looking through my phone.
Mildred: No, why would I do that? I only ever use your phone when my phone is dead. Why are you asking?
Kaleb: I'm asking because some weirdo has been texting my friends
Mildred: Well someone else must have thought y'all were weirdly close and texted them to stop talking to you.
Kaleb: I never told you what the messages said, so stop lying to me and tell me why you're doing this.
She pretty much went off on him and saying how could he believe us over her, she always knew we were some weird polyamorous group, she was the only person he needed, and would have kept going if Kaleb hadn't ended it with "Thank you for the information, now block my number and never talk to me or my friends again."
None of us really knew what to say after he ended the call and Kaleb asked, "Do y'all still want to come and meet up when our schedules work?"
So yeah, Mildred was all kinds of crazy. Kaleb thanked us for reaching out to him and was sorry he didn't notice. Leo and I are still planning with Kaleb our trip (he intends on making us get into Magic the Gathering), and thankfully our trio is still pretty close. None of us really know why she thought we would take Kaleb from her, but trying to even understand it gives me a headache. We ended our zoom call on a good note and hopefully we don't hear from Mildred again.
My thoughts: I'll keep it short and sweet this time. Good riddance to Mildred!
I also support "Mildred" becoming the Karen-equivalent term specifically for a meddlesome, toxically possessive girlfriend.
Marked Concluded because Mildred seems to be gone. Will change flair if anything else pops up. :D
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
CONCLUDED Wife(F33) and I (M34) decided to try for kids last year. Found out I'm completely infertile without surgery. 5 months later she got pregnant.
These posts were submitted three years ago and there have been no more updates. Reminder that this is a repost community and I am not the original poster.
Mood spoiler happy update per OOP
I literally do not know what to do. This is long, TL;DR at bottom.
My wife and I have been married for 3 years, together for 6. She's always been one of the most amazing people I've ever met. No huge fights, love languages match up, and we're both fairly active people which has been why we've always had a really strong relationship for so long. That's why this is so difficult for me.
We've both been doing pretty well in our careers the last few years. She's in marketing and I work independently as an IT consultant, allowing me to set my own hours and be pretty flexible. We decided last year that we wanted to start a family, her most likely keeping her job full time and me scaling back to part time. We've both been anxious but pretty excited to have our own kids.
Long story short, I was diagnosed with azoospermia last December. Blockage in the pipes just meant I wasn't actually producing any sperm when ejaculating. It's curable with surgery thankfully, and we finally got it scheduled this July. She's got a high sex drive as do I, so we've still been very sexually active, but there should've been no way I could have gotten her pregnant.
She missed her period this week. I couldn't imagine that she might actually be pregnant, right? The babies are bottled in until they get the blockage out. She took three tests though, and sure enough they're all positive.
At first I was stunned, because this shouldn't be possible. She's never been unfaithful to me in the past and never given me a reason not to trust her. I'm not the jealous type, but I'm literally stuck. The doctors said this couldn't happen. And I can't believe my wife would jeopardize the future we've been so excited for over some fling when we seem to have such a great emotional and physical connection.
My wife's been ecstatic. She's given no indication of any guilt or worry that she may have cheated. She was so excited when she first found out that I didn't express my worries then. But she left for work and now I feel completely torn. What if she did cheat?
Looking back now there's a few tiny things that didn't seem to be an issue but now have me wracking my brain for clues. Her job often has her taking clients out for dinner and it's not uncommon for her to get back later in the evening. She definitely had a busy last few months, but that's not uncommon for her job. She always wears one of the same two perfumes, but she came back one night smelling completely different. I remember seeing a text message on her lock screen of just a winky face, a different time, but assumed it was one of her girlfriends.
Fuck man I don't know what to do. I set up an appointment on Monday to see if there's any chance it could be mine. If it is mine and I accuse her of cheating I feel like the world's biggest asshole. But she's coming home in a few hours and I don't know what I'm going to say to her, I can't stop thinking of these small things that may have been her cheating and I just didn't see it.
Do I wait until the doctor appointment Monday before talking to her, or do bring up these insecurities while she's celebrating the pregnancy? I'm worried I won't be able to hide what's going on.
TL;DR: Wife and I tried having a baby. My balls are blocked, surgery is in July. Wife got pregnant anyways. It seems ridiculous to think she cheated, but I was told I shouldn't be able to be fertile until the surgery. Wife is celebrating, I can't stop thinking about small occurrences and what if she's cheating. Seeing Doctor on Monday to see if it could be mine. Want to wait until Monday, but don't think I can hide it. What do I tell her?
Edit: I should add I've been cheated on before. Our relationship has been pretty healthy, but that old fear is creeping back in now. I'm not sure how to just wait until the appointment.
Edit I really hope yall are right that some freak sperm made it past. My wife's coming home though in an hour and I have to decide if I'm going to put on a happy face until Monday or not.
Edit She texted saying she's going be home late
This is bringing up some old emotional scars I think and is just fucking with me. I'm usually never this insecure or uncertain about being straightforward. I think I need to just find some way to bring it up without being accusatory.
TL;DR: Wife and I tried having a baby. My balls are blocked, surgery is in July. Wife got pregnant anyways. It seems ridiculous to think she cheated, but I was told I shouldn't be able to be fertile until the surgery. Wife is celebrating, I can't stop thinking about small occurrences and what if she's cheating. Seeing Doctor on Monday to see if it could be mine.
Update TL;DR at bottom
First I just want to thank everyone who reached out and offered their story about similar. I can't believe how many people are told they're completely sterile and end up being able to have kids anyways.
I took a lot of what you guys said to heart. I had an ex of mine from years ago end up cheating on me, and it really left a scar for a while. It wasn't until I got more involved with sports and getting in better shape that I was able to try and move on. My wife and I actually met in a soccer league we were in together. We've had so much trust for so long that I thought those fears had gone away. It wasn't until now that I really started to feel shaken like that again.
But I didn't want to let my past get in the way of what could be just a huge blessing. A few people really articulated the right way to communicate my feelings in a way that wasn't accusatory and respectful of my wife, who's never really given me a reason to doubt her.
It's not uncommon for her to sometimes be home late, and she'll usually like to go straight to bed. I didn't want to dump this on her immediately and decided to give myself a night to sleep on it. I got up pretty early just being restless, went for a run, and cleared my mind. I couldn't wait any longer. I made our favorite omelets, and told her I needed to talk about something.
"You know I'm not Ashley, right?"
She knows me well. Ashley's my ex who cheated.
So first I apologized. I apologized because I let this build up in my head for so long without talking with her about it sooner. What should be blessing has been nothing but insecurity and fear for me.
We talked for a while. I told her how happy it made me to see her ecstatic and excited for the baby. I told her how much I loved the relationship that we've built together, and I felt like an asshole for questioning her loyalty. She had never given me a reason not to trust her and that I still couldn't emotionally get over the thoughts of infidelity because of my ex. She thanked me for telling her, and she knew how hard it was for me to get over that. She volunteered to have us get a paternity right when he/she's born, which made me feel a lot better at first.
But something still felt off. I honestly don't know why, something about how she was so eager to get a paternity test, and almost not mad at me at all for having kept this from her. Normally she would have been upset that I didn't bring it up right away, but there was just a weird feeling I couldn't shake for the rest of the day.
It seemed like she was saying all the right things, but I couldn't get rid of this clawing feeling inside my head. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. Maybe there's a gut feeling that I need to listen to. But I ended up going to the appointment alone, as we "decided" it would good to see if I still needed the surgery.
Turns out it's obstructive azoospermia. I've read so many stories about people who were supposed to infertile end up getting pregnant. So I brought that up, and how my wife's pregnancy was affecting me. The urologist thought it would be pretty unlikely that I wouldn't need surgery to have a kid with how mine was presenting itself. He mainly tried to skirt around the topic, and mostly pushed me towards making sure she was actually pregnant.
Being there didn't really help. I feel like I just got more uncertainty.
She had another night being out to 8:30 last night. We talked about scheduling an appointment to verify the pregnancy when she got home. She seemed a little confused, but then quickly agreed. She promised to do it in the morning. I asked how work had gone, and she gave me a kind of non-commital answer about her boss pushing her too much and being stressed out.
There's nothing huge there, but she just seemed off. I really couldn't put my finger on it. We were still acting all lovely-dovey, but something just felt wrong, and I couldn't talk about it without repeating the same conversation we had Sunday.
I've been trying to throw myself into work to distract myself, but I haven't been able to focus. We have a joint checking account that we'll sometimes move money in and out of, but really only use it for groceries or household items unless we talk about it beforehand. This morning she moved half of it to hers, about $1700. We don't do that, she's never needed to before. And I checked our health care portal, and she made the appointment for the one time Thursday that I mentioned I was busy working on-site. We were supposed to go together.
I'm starting to go crazy. How do I bring this up that isn't me just having the same conversation again? I'm looking into getting a second opinion for myself. But I need a litmus test from objective outsiders to know if I'm really losing it or if this seems weird to someone else.
TL;DR Had good conversation about my ex-cheating before and those issues, something still felt off. Urologist said I had obstructive azoospermia, implied I should "make sure my wife is pregnant" and didn't think I could be fertile. Wife is taking money from joint account and booked her doctor appointment when I can't go. Getting a second Urology opinion, also slightly going crazy.
UPDATE: I've been trying to center myself. We talked calmly for a bit on the phone. She claimed she moved the money out in anticipation for the deductible payments she'll have with different visits. I didn't bring up anything else, but she seemed a little impatient with me, probably rightly so, and implied we'd have a longer talk when she gets home. I'm just trying to not overreact right now. I don't know what to think, this is either a misunderstanding on my side and Im a Father! Or...not. Thankfully she's not working late today.
Thank you those who are trying to keep me grounded.
UPDATE: I went for a long run to clear my mind. Gotta shower, and then my wife should be home. I'm going to go into the conversation with no judgement, just objectively walk out the facts and why I've still been struggling personally with some of them. Regardless of what happens I'm done with any confusion left between us.
Thanks to those who messaged me and gave advice.
I'm sorry to drag ya'll through the worst of my insecurities. I definitely channeled quite a bit of my negative shit into what I posted. But hey, that's what anonymous people are good for sometimes I guess.
Anyways, we finally sat down after she got home last night. I told her everything that was going on. The Urologist, the money, the upcoming appointment. I told her how, even with all her reassurances, too many suspect things kept happening.
She agreed how everything looked, and immediately apologized. She didn't realize how much my last exs cheating was still affecting me. She knew I was off going into the weekend, but thought we addressed that. We talked about it Sunday, but I can get pretty internal with all these worries and not show them outwardly. And so while she had thought we were communicating, I wasn't. We decided to start from the beginning and go through everything together.
The money was the real problem for me. She agreed how inconsiderate it was with where my head was at to do that without mentioning it. Apparently the prenatal visits are so structured that they want you to set up a payment plan with them right away, and she wanted to make sure it was squared away to keep the appointment. She offered without me prompting to call them with me tomorrow to verify that, or if I really wanted we could move the money back. She does get better rewards out of hers so it kind of made sense.
We read up on obstructive azoospermia, and it doesn't seem like they're often invincible forcefields. It seems like only the actual absence of the vas deferens (CBAVD) actually guarantees complete infertility, so it is possible for some to get through. We're going to go back to the original specialist I was working with last year and hopefully get a clearer picture. It turns out the appointment she made was the only time they had available so soon, and figured it'd be best not to wait. I told her I took off work to go with, and she was relieved I could join.
Once again, she said all the right things and seems genuine about getting us on the same page. After going through each thing I was just wishing I believed her a little more before. She's stressed out with work and when she'll have to take off, but she really seemed to want to go out of her way to alleviate my concerns. She even offered an open phone policy if I needed. We did look at the text I had seen, and it was just a girlfriend. I declined though right now, since I don't want to be that husband.
This has really made me take a deeper look at what's in my past and how that still affects me today. Even thinking back to this weekend, it was so hard to see in the moment how much all the uncertainty was affecting me. That level of anxiety literally makes you question what around you is real. I think the trust but verify is the best way to put it. I was just trying to verify without any of the trust is all. This has all put a strain on our marriage right now, but I'm feeling a bit more like we're a team again working towards easing that.
She thought that an NIPP ASAP was a great idea, as long as we also get some kind of counseling together. I'm not big on therapy, but I can probably agree that it will most likely help.
I'm feeling a little better about everything. Thanks again to everyone who reached out and shared their own story (Every other comment here I read was a story of a family member who was supposed to be barren and ended up popping out triplets), and most of all those who helped me try to communicate fairly through all of this. It's time for me to hopefully be a father.
TL;DR Use your words. - Wife and I objectively went through everything. We both apologized, getting a NIPP soon and hopefully a therapist.
UPDATE: The paternity test came back intially positive for anyone that's going to see this : )
There have been no more updates from u/Throwawaymyspermazoa
Reminder - this is a repost and I am not the original author nor a dude.
This is a Repost.
Note: The Update is within the post.
I (16f) am technically 1 of 6 kids, though 4 of them are step siblings. My parents had myself and my younger brother, got divorced, and got remarried to people who each had 2 kids, giving me 4 step siblings.
My aunts (S and N), are, to put it simply, rich. Like, fly the entire family to a different country for a month every year and not blink at the bill rich. They pay for mine and all three of my brothers' tuition, bought my mom and step dad (S is my mom's baby sister) a house, everything. Without my aunts, my family would really be struggling since mom works fulltime and stepdad tries, but he's disabled from an injury a few years old. I know my mom feels like she owes a lot to her younger sister, but all S said is that she wants us to be happy. S has a lot of health issues that I don't know a lot about, I just know she's sick a lot, and N's an orphan, so we're their only family. I don't know why they don't have their own kids, they'd be great moms, but I haven't asked.
And it's not just family they're nice to. They have a scholarship to the school they met at, and instead of making their friend deal with his dad's debt collectors when his dad died, they just paid off his estate after the lawyer gave them the go ahead a while ago. They're really nice people in general, from everything I've seen and heard from my mom and stepdad.
The only people they're not nice to are my dad, my stepmom, and their kids. I don't know what happened in general, a lot of the details have been kept from me, but I know my dad and my aunts went from being decent friends to never talking. It got even worse when my dad married my stepmom 6 months after the divorce. My aunts do everything they can for my mom, stepdad, and the 4 of us kids. My dad's family, they don't acknowledge him if they see him in the store unless it's something about me or my brother.
Now, the issue is my stepmom and dad asked me to try and talk to them. They said that as the oldest/only bio niece, I'm my Aunt S's favorite, and and if I asked her to pay for my two other step sibling's tuition to private high school when they start next year, she'd probably cave. If I asked her to take them all with us on the trips, she'd probably agree. Their lives would be much better if she agreed.
But I said no. I don't know why my aunt doesn't like my dad, but she already does so much for my mom and I, I don't want to ask her to do more for someone she clearly doesn't like. This made my dad and stepmom really angry, and they ground me for the rest of the week I'm with them. They said I was greedy for not sharing and making their lives better when my aunt would do it for me. AITA?
A couple of relevant comments from OP:
And honestly, it's not even like they do nothing for my stepsiblings either. They don't know their exact birthdates, but I always get sent to my Dad's house with some cash to give them on their birthday, which I know is at least 50 so they can get themselves something. Same for Christmas. My aunts don't blame my stepsiblings, even if they don't want to take them on vacation with us.
This honestly isn't the first time he's grounded me for not doing something I'm uncomfortable with. At least he can't take my phone, since my mom pays for that and he'd get in trouble if he did. From what people are saying I'm realizing this isn't normal. And yeah, she's a good mom. Always has been! And she chose a pretty good stepdad too, even if sometimes he's a bit clueless as to what to do with teenage girls, lol. He at least tries.
Update! Hey everyone. I'm sorry I didn't update this last night, it was big and I ended up getting caught up in everything. I texted my mom after she got off work, and told me to get my brother and myself packed up. I got us as packed up as I could, but my dad and my stepmom wouldn't give me my laptop back, which I need for school.
Well, my mom and both aunts came a bit later to get us. My aunt N took my brother and I to dinner since I wasn't fed because I was grounded and then home to my stepdad and stepbrothers while my mom and aunt S argued with my dad and stepmom, and by the time they came home they had my laptop back. It was pretty messed up though, and mom told me my stepmom had thrown it, but my aunt S promised to fix it and get me a new one if it couldn't be fixed. Luckily I do have my homework backed up, so I won't get into trouble, but still.
My stepdad went out and got us all ice cream sundaes, and we ended up having a giant family discussion. It turns out a lot of you were right - my dad was cheating on my mom with my stepmom, and I guess the jealously that my stepsiblings feel towards my brothers and me about going on vacations and having rich aunts is a lot worse than I thought. Like, all they talk about apparently, though they never brought it up to me. I thought we were at least friends, but my stepmom told my mom her kids hate me, which hurt.
And I guess my dad feels like my aunts owe him for some reason, because part of their wealth came from his advice, but that doesn't make any sense? If he was so wise, wouldn't he be rich too, like they are? I know my aunts are able to work 3 jobs between them, their individual 9-5 and their company, and because they don't have kids they can save more, but they still pay for a lot for 4 kids, me, my brother, and my step brothers, and give away a lot of money to other people, so I didn't really understand that.
To wrap it up, I don't think I'm going to go see my dad anytime soon. I'm really bothered by how things went down and by this new info, and I know it really hurt my mom to tell me. She kept apologizing, saying she was going to wait until we were both 18 to tell us about everything, but that my stepmom kept saying really horrible things during their argument and my mom was worried we would find out from her, and she would rather we find out in a safer environment. My stepdad was mainly there to refill water cups and give hugs when needed, though he did help to fill in some details when mom couldn't. My aunts told me I did the right thing, and that they were proud of me, and that it was going to be ok.
I'm upset and tired and hurt, and I don't know what will happen after today, but we don't have to go to school at least, and I can ask more questions after lunch. So yeah, that's my update. Not very fun, but I guess it's what it is.
CONCLUDED AITA not paying any more towards our daughter's wedding after she cut pieces off her mother's wedding dress for her own? + UPDATE
My wife made her wedding dress with her mother. Its very sentimental to her and she was very proud of it. It was simple but freaking gorgeous. She has always said she would love for our kids to wear her dress at their wedding. We have 3 daughters (34, 30, 25) and 1 son (28). My wife made it known that the dress was not to be altered except to be taken in/let out so it could be kept and reworn. Our youngest daughter didn't wear it. Our DIL wore it for their reception and our son held it up against him for some pre-wedding bridal pictures so he wasn't left out...he totally rocked it. Oldest daughter wore it for her wedding.
We've offered some financial contributions to all our children towards either school, a wedding, or a house downpayment. Olivia has asked for help paying for her wedding.
The wedding is in the beginning of August. A few months ago Olivia asked my wife if she could use the dress for her wedding and my wife gave her the dress so Olivia could get it fitted with plenty of time. Tuesday Olivia asked me to go with her to pay some vendors, one of the stops was the tailor shop for a final fitting and pay the seamstress. Olivia was really nervous and I figured it was just usual pre-wedding jitters and excitement.
The dress Olivia came out in was not at all her mother's dress. It was a completely different dress with parts of her mother's gown added to it. She took the straps, the sash, the train, and the embroidered top skirt and had it added to this new dress. I was befuddled for a bit and then asked what the hell this was. Olivia's reasoning was that she was the last of our kids to get married and there wasn't anyone else to wear it and she made sure to instruct they keep the original dress to be returned to her. I told her that's not the same, she knows it, and the dress was never hers to do with what she wanted. I asked the seamstress for the rest of my wife's dress and had Olivia tell my wife in person what she had done. My wife was devastated. I have since canceled the payments I made that day and told her I won't be paying another cent to her wedding. She and her fiance can figure it out. Our youngest daughter thinks I've gone overboard knowing Olivia planned her wedding with our help in mind and without it, she can't finish paying for everything. Olivia's future in-laws also agree with that- they can't afford to help and suggested I should pay, and then we just go low contact with Olivia. I've told them both that Olivia took something irreplaceable from her mother for her own vanity. I know we originally offered help with the wedding but I think Olivia’s actions warrant canceling that offer. AITA?
Edit: Thank you everyone for the responses. My wife and I will look at more of them tomorrow and discuss the subject further. Just want to address a misconception- We have not gone low or no contact with Olivia; her inlaws suggested it and that is insane. My wife's initial reaction to finding out Tuesday was to not go to the wedding; that was said in anger and not a done deal. It'd probably depend a lot on Olivia's handling until then as well. Taking her dress she paid for would hurt our relationship with her just as much as not paying for anything else. Which is why we are discussing our options and skimming comments for things we have not thought of and are doable.
Update: My wife and I are reading as many comments as we can. She appreciates the concern and support. For those saying the dress wouldn't be worn again anyway she has this to say: "Its not about whether or not it would be worn again. If none of my children asked to wear it, I still would keep the dress for me. My mother taught me everything I know about sewing. We spent months picking out fabrics and doing trial and error on practice dresses as we made mine. It was mine. It was my one prized possession that held incredible memories for me. I have thought of having it put in my casket with me because once I'm gone the person it mattered to is gone. However, I would have worn it again. Our 40th anniversary is in a couple years and I was very much looking forward to recreating our photos. It may seem like I'm choosing my dress over my daughter- I'm not. It is her deceit, indifference, and her blatant lack of remorse that I am hurt most by and having a hard time with. It is the underhanded ways she thought to address the issue. It is the fact she will not apologize and have a conversation with me but is only worried about the rest of her wedding items being paid for and pinning it until after her honeymoon. I did not raise her to be like that. I would have loved to help her make designs for the dress she picked out if she had asked and she knows this. I have never denied her help in her life nor has our help come with conditions."
Today we'll take my wife's dress to the seamstress that has the frankendress to see what can be repaired. My wife has said the sash and train are most likely lost as the fabric of the gown was cut and the seams undone properly..paraphrasing here, not up on sewing lingo. Unfortunately, even if it can be restored or parts of it, Olivia is currently not wanting to give up the dress after the wedding. She wants to keep hers and is imploring her mother to understand since she kept her wedding dress for so long. We don't want to lose our relationship with our daughter, but we both agree there need to be consequences and there isn't really any moving forward if Olivia isn't willing to budge on anything.
After posting my wife went to the seamstress' shop and had the pieces of her dress removed since Olivia refused to have them taken off and returned after the wedding. This caused an upset with our daughter when she found out. Our future son-in-law came to talk to us afterward to get our side of the story. Regrettably, Olivia was not honest with him about the situation and had told him my wife was upset that Olivia took too many parts off the dress. He was not aware she lied to get the dress in the first place and was avoiding her mother. As it turned out, he got involved after 2 of her bridesmaids dropped out at the same time and he was getting conflicting stories from her and them. Olivia had used their phones to cancel plans with their respective boyfriends so they could be free for last-minute plans Olivia made for her bridesmaids.
According to Olivia's friends, her personality has changed over the last few years when she got a promotion at work and had an assistant and a team working under her.
Week and a half before the wedding son-in-law asked if they could come over. He got Olivia to talk to her mother and she apologized. She explained why she did what she did; she wanted similar pieces on her dress but the cost was going to be too much. It was cheaper to add parts. Olivia has said she feels a need to keep up with some of the other women she works with and has a hard time shutting that personality off. She has started therapy and will be changing jobs to a different company.
We did not pay more towards the wedding. They agreed to have the catering they could afford on their own and families potlucking the rest. They also came up with a solution for music and decorations. This way my wife can get what she needs to repair her dress the best she can. The parts that are not able to be put back on her dress, my wife is using them to make photo album covers for each of our kids. As for Olivia's dress, my wife spent the time leading up to the wedding making new pieces and attached them to Olivia's dress herself. It'll be awhile before we trust our daughter again like we used to but we are on the road to recovery! The wedding was a lot of fun and Olivia and our newest family member seemed to really enjoy themselves. Thanks again everyone for the support.
Confronting the people she wronged, therapy, and job change were conditions of their relationship continuing. My first thought when he called to come over was they were going to say it had been postponed or canceled.
REMINDER: This is a repost sub, I am not the OOP
Lately I (f/20) started to understand that I might like women too, instead of only men. I was always an open person for all genders. Nevertheless I never told anyone and didn’t mind it myself that I am bisexual. Recently I started thinking more about it and decided to tell my boyfriend (10 months in a relationship) about it. At first I was talking about it as a joke to see what his reaction would be. He gave me a disgusted look and said that it would be the biggest turn off for him and that he couldn’t see me with the same eyes anymore. I went on with the “joke” to not dive in deeper but I was truly hurt. He made a lot of homophobic comments in the past but I never took it seriously bc I thought he just has dark humour but now ..
Pretty much all the comments tell OOP to end it.
Comments from the OOP:
How did you manage to break up so easily? Everyone here is talking about break up now as if it is the easiest thing. I mean I fell in love already
Not only my sexual orientation my whole religion and culture is a problem for him. I don’t even get why he is with me at all
Hey guys so I posted like last week here and spoke about how shocked and disgusting my boyfriend reacted to my coming out as a bisexual girl 💅🏽. Listened to your advice and confronted him. Since then I see that he is very sensitive about that topic and stopped making those “jokes” you know, and also admitted that there is nothing bad about being lgbtq+ etc and that he loves me for who I am, even though he was like very unsupportive and disgusted when I came out. Do you guys think he is faking his behaviour towards that topic rn, or did he actually understand how false his opinion might be after I confronted him about being a homophobic person?
Comment from others:
I mean, he very much could have had a change of heart. Sometimes it takes a loved one coming out to make them understand. Did he apologize for treating you so poorly? Is he displaying an interest in advocacy? Do you have other LGBT friends that he also treats with respect? Does he speak respectfully of LGBT celebrities and politics? This would indicate a willingness to change.
Response from OOP:
Well he said that it wasn’t nice how he talked to me. And since then he literally just shuts down when it’s about gay celebrities or politics and when he says something about that he is like “don’t get me wrong there’s nothing wrong with … I should have used other words etc”. He has gay people in his family but he didn’t talk about them since the confrontation. He also said that he doesn’t have a problem with me being bisexual but fears that he can’t be good enough. And that he has to worry for both genders with whom I could cheat 😂
REMINDER: I am not the OOP