r/therewasanattempt Oct 01 '22

To do a gender reveal Rule 8: Low effort / Screenshot / Links

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58.1k Upvotes

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u/Individual_Ad2579 Oct 01 '22

They really couldn’t come up with anything better?

hey honey what’s going to get us on the news or something for this gender reveal party so our kid knows we once cared for him?

2.2k

u/[deleted] Oct 01 '22 edited Oct 01 '22 Silver Helpful Wholesome All-Seeing Upvote

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367

u/AnXioneth Oct 01 '22

This kind of person adds nothing of value to society

praise

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u/Ninja-Ginge Oct 01 '22

Reminder that the woman who made gender reveals a ✨thing✨ only had one because she had suffered repeated miscarriages and was just excited that she'd gotten far enough in that pregnancy to know the sex of the fetus (she made it all the way through and gave birth to a healthy baby that lives to this day!). And now it's been turned into this shit. Starting catastrophic fires and poisoning a town's water supply.

64

u/s0ciety_a5under Oct 01 '22

I remember a time when I was like 5 or 6 and went to my uncle's house for a party where he pulled out a piece of paper from an envelope and read off the babies gender. Then everyone said cheers and then got exceedingly drunk and merry sans the mom to be, and I played SNES with my cousins. What happened to those kinds of parties?

19

u/crewchiefguy Oct 01 '22

Why does a babies gender being known even require a party? What difference does it make?

8

u/Moridin67 Oct 01 '22

Its a reason to get together and have a baby themed party. You dont really need much more of a reason. And as the guy above said 99.999% go just like the one he described.

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u/kharmatika Oct 01 '22

I actually have a comment above where I talk about that, its gotta be horrible making something special for you like that(and pretty damn harmless in a vacuum), and having people pervert it like that.

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u/[deleted] Oct 01 '22

This response almost brought me to a climax.

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u/koolaid_snorkeler Oct 01 '22

Or...maybe...they're just stupid.

23

u/PdxPhoenixActual Oct 01 '22

¿Porque no los dos?

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u/Bumbum2k1 Oct 01 '22

I think a white cake with the gender color inside would be cool and not fuck up the local ecosystem. But that’s too basic. Just burn the planet in blue flames.

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u/fresh_gumbo Oct 01 '22 Wholesome Take My Energy Lawyer Up

The people who do this have main character syndrome and need to be told no one cares

3.4k

u/Boogyman0202 Oct 01 '22

Meh, they'd just assume you're the bad guy in their "movie" and move on to the next waterfall.

1.9k

u/takgillo Oct 01 '22 Bravo! Bravo Grande!

You can't go chasing waterfalls though

176

u/catchesfire Oct 01 '22 Silver All-Seeing Upvote

Stick to the rivers and streams that you're used to... Or don't because water pollution affects all of us

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u/Miffleframp Oct 01 '22

You gotta creep...creep

487

u/low_kix Oct 01 '22 Silver I'll Drink to That

Fun fact: TLC, Radiohead, and Stone Temple Pilots all had a hit song called Creep in the span of 3 years

148

u/REDDIT_ROC0408 Oct 01 '22

Not even noon where I live, and I already learned something. Thank you, sir or ma’am’.

148

u/low_kix Oct 01 '22

You're welcome sir or ma'am! Here's another fun fact: Aerosmith didn't have a #1 single until they released I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing for the Armageddon soundtrack. It's still their only #1 in the US

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u/andante528 Oct 01 '22

Ahh, and it knocked Brandy and Monica’s “The Boy is Mine” off the top perch. Now there was a ‘90s song

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u/REDDIT_ROC0408 Oct 01 '22

I could learn a lot from you.

Holy shit though. That’s hard to believe. I’d have figured it would have been Dream On or Sweet Emotion. Heck, even Walk This Way.

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u/Colton_Landsington Oct 01 '22

Come on captain! No one says creep creep like that unless they're referencing TLC

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u/Alarid Oct 01 '22

They require consequences. Like jail time. Or the five finger reset.

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u/GothBroads-Octopods Oct 01 '22

That's why sometimes people need their movies abruptly cancelled

11

u/Boogyman0202 Oct 01 '22

You wouldn't be suggesting....... Murder now would you🧐

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u/cheatonstatistics Oct 01 '22 Gold Wholesome Take My Energy Bravo! I'd Like to Thank...

Yeah the manic, expensive hyper-celebration of everything “baby” with professional event mgmt + documentation is the epitome of aggressive oversharing and perceived self-importance.

85

u/TheRedMaiden Oct 01 '22 Wholesome

Geeze. If my husband and I ever decide to have kids we're getting out in front of this asap cuz both our families are into stuff like this and would totally pressure us into a party.

Find out gender when we can, blast a group text to both families saying it, and getting on with it party-free

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u/that1defectivepixel Oct 01 '22

That’s all we did. Facebook post.

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u/Timbo_007 Oct 01 '22

Narcissism at it's final form

185

u/Dum_beat Oct 01 '22

Don't say that, someone might take that as a challenge

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u/Dalton_Danger_Parker Oct 01 '22

Challenge accepted.

38

u/ItsmeMr_E Oct 01 '22

Barney has entered the chat. lol

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u/RS_Someone Oct 01 '22

I assure you, I won't.

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u/gadget_uk Oct 01 '22

Narcissus would be like "These fuckin' people, man. Self absorbed assholes".

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u/[deleted] Oct 01 '22

[deleted]

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u/BizzarduousTask Oct 01 '22 Table Slap

And the lady who “invented” the gender reveal party trend regrets it now. Her child came out as trans.

31

u/SubcommanderMarcos Oct 01 '22

Her party was iirc a small thing, and she did it more to celebrate conceiving to begin with, which she struggled to, than to celebrate gender roles themselves. People took the absolute worst of the idea and ran with it, and now there's people dead, forests and property destroyed, waterways contaminated. Fucking imbeciles.

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u/PockyPunk Oct 01 '22

Yeah the kid is non-binary and the only reason she did the gender reveal in the first place was because she had trouble conceiving. She never thought it would get this out of had. It’s true what hey say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

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u/the_vinson Oct 01 '22

I can't wait for their kids to see this footage when they're ready to have kids and ask them: "Why the f**k did you do this?"

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u/Melodic_Asparagus151 Oct 01 '22

Just a way to make party planners, cake people, party supply businesses, etc. more money. Like a wedding isn’t expensive enough let’s put pressure on people to do it again for their baby! All about the $$$$ and clout

171

u/cheatonstatistics Oct 01 '22 Gold

Good for all the people in the “grand-symbolic-relationship-gesture” business, but not sure, if it helps anyone from a broader societal PoV… I never understood, why people fall for this. Imo family happiness derives from intimacy, from everyday-nearness and reliability, little affectionate gestures and attention, emotional safety and team spirit. Materialistic celebration overkill won’t buy you anything of this.

82

u/UpperLeftOriginal Oct 01 '22

I've seen research that correlates more expensive weddings with higher divorce rates.

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u/cheatonstatistics Oct 01 '22

I’ve read of psychologists, who could tell who will divorce by observing an hour of a couple’s everyday interaction. It came down to the ability and will to follow each other’s “bids for attention”… (Like one wants to show the other something, needs a hand or opinion, wants a hug) Being ignored/downplayed most of the time is highly related to overall dissatisfaction and eventual divorce… can’t make up for communication and emotional bonding with cash.

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u/suchlargeportions Oct 01 '22 Helpful

Gottman Institute study, they have a bunch of good info about relationship health.

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u/SirJamesMonster Oct 01 '22 Helpful

It's so important to understand your own attention/affection seeking and giving behaviors.

I had a conversation with my gf (we haven't been together for very long) the other evening via text. I sent her a pic of the dinner I made and said that I'm looking forward to cooking for her. Her reply was a little defensive.

I responded by explaining that cooking and baking are things I enjoy and if I do it for someone else, it's a way I show love and affection. Her tone softened considerably and she even said that she found it really hot.

My ex-wife would have completely ignored my explanation and go on to just tell me how I could have done better. If I was lucky.

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u/suchlargeportions Oct 01 '22

Defensive how? I'm struggling to see what she could be defensive about with that. Weird.

I'm glad she softened up when your explained.

40

u/SirJamesMonster Oct 01 '22

Her parents...well, they're garbage people. She has had to teach herself how to do a lot of things. Including cooking. She's proud of her accomplishments in teaching herself to cook and that's basically what she said in her reply.

I wasn't aware of the whole backstory. We talked it out and decided that we will share cooking duties when we move in together.

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u/BizzarduousTask Oct 01 '22

Awww!!! That actually makes me tear up a little. Great job on communication, my guy. For both of you! You A) read her defensiveness as coming from a place of fear and explained the loving intent of your action; B) she explained where her defensiveness was coming from and shared the work she’s done to overcome her struggles; and C) you discussed it like caring, reasonable adults and came up with a plan for how to move forward, together. My god, if only everybody could communicate like this, the world would be a much better place. You guys are gonna do great. 👍

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u/baddecision116 Oct 01 '22

That's mainly because rich people can afford to divide their possessions in half and still be fine. Poor people can't.

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u/NonStopKnits Oct 01 '22 Wholesome

I agree. Sometimes grand gestures are fun, but not at the expense of others or when overdone; such as the article above. But all the small stuff really does add up and make the bond stronger when worked on all sides of the relationship. Just this morning I saw a pretty rock (blue tiger eye) in a shop that cost $1. All I could think of is how much my bf would love it so I bought it and now I'm gonna feel very impatient about him getting home so he can have it. It will take all my will not to spoil it until then because I love his reaction when I do any damn thing for him; and this is just a cheap rock. This is just a silly little anecdote, and it's far from the only things we do for each other or how we treat our relationship, but when I look back over our relationship the things that stick out are the little things like small gifts of rocks, bedtime kisses, and collaborative cooking.

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u/Hedgehogwash Oct 01 '22 All-Seeing Upvote

I just learned about the concept of a “baby sprinkle”, two separate friends of mine were invited to a lavish one and both of them complained to me about it. Both of them were annoyed at the idea of buying anything for a woman who’s having her third child and can afford to have a “sprinkle” with 70 guests. So I know at least two people at the party will be secretly seething. Something that could be an intimate gathering of people celebrating a new life is just a bothersome social nicety devoid of meaning and and ultimately an excuse to parade wealth.

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u/The-Waifu-Collector Oct 01 '22

Dude , my brother and his wife’s first child would throw a MONTHLY “birthday” of sorts. Balloons cake the works , I’m like , she’s only 4 months old guys , not a milestone… I swear , some of you think you birthed the first human child in decades..

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u/manofnotribe Oct 01 '22 Take My Energy

There were 143 million babies born worldwide in 2021. There really is nothing unique about it, literally the definition of normal. I understand to the parents this is a big thing, but a little more humility please. You did one of the most basic deeds of being alive, after eating, crapping, and pissing, and now you're having a baby. Welcome to being like a majority of other people walking around.

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u/TheLastDrops Oct 01 '22

"Like a newborn baby it just happens every day."

Seems like a weird line until you realise a baby is a major thing for the parents but an incredibly common thing to the world.

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u/SoulKibble Oct 01 '22

Remember the gender reveal party that ended with a plane crashing into the ocean?

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u/ridgecoyote Oct 01 '22 Wholesome

Until the next baby comes then nobody gives a shit about the “old baby”.

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u/nasadowsk Oct 01 '22

I remember when I lived in New Jersey, someone literally put up a billboard to show off pictures of their crotchfruit. A fucking billboard.

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u/aeque88 Oct 01 '22

Crotchfruit, now there's a phrase to remember.

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u/TrojanW Oct 01 '22

Need to spend a month in jail, at the least.

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u/fresh_gumbo Oct 01 '22

Nah, then they'd take to tiktok with their misunderstood victim story

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u/Foot0fGod Oct 01 '22

And get clobbered all over again

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u/BritishAccentTech Oct 01 '22

Do it anyway.

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u/Icritsomanytimes Oct 01 '22

It's a kind of grandeur narcissism I think.

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u/cheese4352 Oct 01 '22

These people specifically are criminals and should be arrested.

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u/MacRubys Oct 01 '22

Yes they do.

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u/AndInjusticeForAll Oct 01 '22

You mean the gender reveal part itself, right?

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u/RedsRaver Oct 01 '22

No, they need to be imprisoned for fifteen years for biological terrorism.

Words don’t work on people with this level of detachment. Actions are necessary.

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u/CreativismUK Oct 01 '22

I didn’t care that much about my own kids’ sex. I have no idea why anyone thinks a party’s worth of people really care.

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u/[deleted] Oct 01 '22

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u/Simple_fruit Oct 01 '22

How hard is it to pop a balloon with coloured confetti instead.

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u/VioEnvy Oct 01 '22

They did that too. There’s a video.

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u/Simple_fruit Oct 01 '22

Then why colour a waterfall like a moron?

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u/BootyinmuhLap Oct 01 '22

I think it's that last part you mentioned.

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u/GameOfUsernames Oct 01 '22

Yeah they had like 5 different things in their video. Like the balloons popping and then blue smoke and then the water was blue…etc. They panned across each like they were trying to do a high quality production movie or some bullshit. Which is another cause if this kind of nonsense. Everyone wants to make videos for the internet. Follower count is now the measure of self-worth. The internet is a plague.

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u/nudiecale Oct 01 '22

My son is going to be 9 next year and I’m pretty sure I’m going to give him away and try again because the little shit has done nothing for my social media presence. Should have gotten a parrot.

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u/throwaway384938338 Oct 01 '22 edited Oct 01 '22 Helpful

Did you know that when you get your ultra scan the doctor will just tell you the sex of the baby if you want. You actually don’t have to do any of this self-absorbed, performative bullshit at all.

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u/Simple_fruit Oct 01 '22

You said it, they are self-absorbed

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u/TrivialFacts Oct 01 '22

When did gender reveals start and get popular.

I feel it's in the last 5-6 years but I'd don't see why anyone would give a shit ?

284

u/x_v_b Oct 01 '22

My dad once told me that when he was a kid in the 50s, there was an x-ray machine at the local shoe store, where little kids could stick their feet in and see their bones through the scope.

I asked him what he thought about that now, after he'd been an x-ray tech for four decades.

He patted me on the shoulder and told me that the human race is impossibly stupid and will inevitably destroy itself totally by accident in the process of pursuing some minor amusement.

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u/BossScribblor Oct 01 '22

Your description made me imagine him saying that line almost as a comforting reassurance.

"Don't worry, son. Our filthy kind will wipe themselves out well before we can escape our Earthly sarcophagus and poison the sinless cosmos with our vile blood."

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u/foxglove0326 Oct 01 '22

Your dad sounds like a smart guy:)

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u/Kenbishi Oct 01 '22

After the fame the people got from starting a forest fire with their gender reveal party. Got to outdo the Jones’ gender reveal party in the environmental damage category.

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u/Glorious_Bustard Oct 01 '22

I'm gonna drill into a volcano and make it erupt either blue or pink and then bury the nearest valley in pyroclastic flow.

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u/Flashy_Ad_4993 Oct 01 '22

Don’t forget the one where they unknowingly made a pipe bomb and the reveal killed one of their grandmothers. Gender reveal parties are for self involved idiots and it shows.

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u/kkidd333 Oct 01 '22

Holy CRAP… hadn’t heard about that one. I can’t even imagine how you then live with the knowledge you blew up grandma… who never got to fulfill her role as great grandma.

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u/Deus0123 Oct 01 '22

The story I've been told goes as follows:

The person who originally came up with the concept had been pregnant many times but this was the first time it got to a stage where she could learn of the childs sex. So she made a gender reveal party to celebrate that because before that she had a lot of miscarriages. And then other people started doing it and then idiots started doing it and now here we are

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u/finchfeathers Oct 01 '22

Iirc, the first gender reveal I remember hearing about was done by a woman who had miscarried a previous pregnancy. I believe the gender reveal was less about the sex of the child and more about having carried this pregnancy far enough to find out.

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u/Ezl Oct 01 '22

Agreed, it feels super recent and I’m kind of surprised they’ve “stuck”.

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u/cromcrauc Oct 01 '22

I hope their bodies will be used to absorb all that coloring

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u/Mother-Dish348 Oct 01 '22

Or bake a cake.

Or look at an ultrasound

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u/Live-High Oct 01 '22

A facebook update or a text would be fine.

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u/LucywiththeDiamonds Oct 01 '22

How about just randomly telling people. This gender reveal thing isnt a thing here. At all. And still hard to grasp for me cause its so damn stupid. Who the fuck cares.

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u/AJStickboy Oct 01 '22

I had a boss who gave out Hershey bars that said Her she is.

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u/SoN1Qz Oct 01 '22

Wrong sub. This should be in r/iamatotalpieceofshit

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u/Heisenberg4028 Oct 01 '22

Jesus Christ. They upgraded from torching down forests apparently

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u/Kharnyx808 Oct 01 '22 Silver Gold Helpful Wholesome Take My Energy Masterpiece

I SHALL PLAGUE THE WATERWAYS WITH POISON AND DEATH

I SHALL REDUCE THE WOODS AND BRUSH TO ASH AND CINDER

I SHALL CRY OUT TO THE HEAVENS UPON THE RUIN OF MY DOMAIN THAT

WE'RE GONNA NAME HER STACY

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u/beea91 Oct 01 '22

Stacy Louise… can’t forget the middle name…

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u/James_099 Oct 01 '22

And we shall spell it “Staeciey”!

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u/BossScribblor Oct 01 '22

Steigh'C

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u/necfu Oct 01 '22

Stay-Sea Ann

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u/Revolutionary-Egg491 Oct 01 '22

“Sta5yx-cee” the 5 and X are silent

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u/Embarrassed_Ant45 Oct 01 '22

As a Stacy myself, I'm wincing at these new iterations of my name. I've had to introduce myself as 'Stacy-no-e' since kindergarten, and even that was a pain in the arse.

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u/Heisenberg4028 Oct 01 '22 Wholesome

Stacy, her gender reveal took the form of 3 natural disasters and 18 years later she works at hooters. Worth it

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u/takgillo Oct 01 '22

She's natural disaster, she's the last of the American girls

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u/danvillain Oct 01 '22

Well done. I don’t have to scroll anymore because this is the best comment im going to see today and it’s only 6:41 am.

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u/Johnny_ac3s Oct 01 '22

Outstanding!

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u/TheSirMontyPython Oct 01 '22

But Stacy's mom...she's got it going on!!

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u/slagath0r Oct 01 '22

I heard The Plagues from the prince of egypt playing in my head as i read this. Masterpiece

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u/FellowGeeks Oct 01 '22

I still think the prize goes to the couple who launched a coloured firework at their mother in law killing her. Your main character syndrome caused your kid not to have a grandma

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u/SuperXpression Oct 01 '22

here is an article because holy fucking shit they accidentally made a god damn pipe bomb and it blew metal shrapnel threw the ladies head killing her instantly. Went right through her and landed 144 yards away per the article. landed 144 yards away. What a bunch of fucking imbeciles.

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u/HollyTokelightly Oct 01 '22

Is she 56 or 66? Do writers even proofread anymore?

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u/bluefoxrabbit Oct 01 '22

She got hit so hard, her head is in the next decade.

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u/najodleglejszy Oct 01 '22

time dilatation due to the projectile's speed.

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u/MyMadeUpNym Oct 01 '22

Guess it doesn't matter now, does it... ugh what a tragedy.

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u/EdgeMiserable4381 Oct 01 '22

I wondered that too! Haha!

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u/moonflower_C16H17N3O Oct 01 '22

I guess a balloon filled with confetti wasn't enough.

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u/TD994 Oct 01 '22

Or the colored cake, even less to clean up

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u/whyamihere327 Oct 01 '22

I love how they say they “inadvertently crated a pipe bomb”. Hey let’s make a device out of a metal pipe and fill it with explosives and when it goes off we’ll have no idea it was actually a pipe bomb!

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u/Due_Magician8050 Oct 01 '22

That makes me really sad and I don’t even know these people.

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u/MediocreX Oct 01 '22

How much fucking gunpowder did they use?

Only in America...

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u/YipYip5534 Oct 01 '22

How much fucking gunpowder did they use?

all of it

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u/Disco-Stu79 Oct 01 '22 Gold

Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I'm worried what you just heard was, "Give me a lot of bacon and eggs." What I said was, "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have." Do you understand?

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u/Heisenberg4028 Oct 01 '22

Jeez, didn’t see that one yet

If you look online you can find what are practically small bombs filled with colored chalk for your “reveal”

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u/scheissegal2009 Oct 01 '22

There are so many stories like that. What infuriates me about this is the sheer disconnect between the absolute banality of gender reveals and the devastating consequences involving death of people, forest fires etc. It's so dumb and not worth it.

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u/FellowGeeks Oct 01 '22

Yeah. No one else cares if your spawn is a boy type or a girl type. Just tell them what colour to bring to your baby shower and skip the gender reveal entirely

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u/dangitbobby83 Oct 01 '22

Humans are insanely stupid.

I’m always in awe any time I go to Yellowstone and see some idiot with their family in tow trying to pet a goddamn bison or bear.

And i see it happen every time I go.

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u/Teh_Weiner Oct 01 '22

oh so most stupid gender reveal has already been won? won't all these contestants faces be red when they find out

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u/ClumsyPotter Oct 01 '22

There was one gender reveal where the father to be was killed…so freaking tragic and insane!

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u/nasadowsk Oct 01 '22

One couple started a major forest fire by accident, a few have had major explosions and stuff. It’s crazy. Who cares?

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u/LA_Commuter Oct 01 '22

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u/WikiSummarizerBot Oct 01 '22

El Dorado Fire

The El Dorado Fire was a wildfire that burned 22,744 acres (9,204 ha; 35. 538 sq mi) near the communities of Oak Glen and Yucaipa in San Bernardino County, California, in September to November 2020. It was ignited on September 5 by a pyrotechnic device at a gender reveal party in El Dorado Ranch Park, and quickly spread to the San Gorgonio Wilderness Area of the San Bernardino National Forest. Burning over a 23-day period, the fire destroyed 10 structures (including 4 residences), damaged 6 others, and resulted in one firefighter fatality, for which the couple hosting the party were charged with involuntary manslaughter.

[ F.A.Q | Opt Out | Opt Out Of Subreddit | GitHub ] Downvote to remove | v1.5

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u/nasikatoksambalijo Oct 01 '22

Technically they did succeed in revealing the gender.

But they failed as human beings.

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u/bumbumofdoomdoom Oct 01 '22

Failed at not being a couple of complete cunts

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u/Timbo_007 Oct 01 '22

People who do gender reveals already proved to the world, that they are major narcissists and live in the believe, that they must be the focus of the world

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u/chubbachubbachub Oct 01 '22

They should be charged. Also this whole gender reveal trend is so stupid,

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u/CXR_AXR Oct 01 '22

Why people can't just use their mouths to announce the result?

1.2k

u/Flat-Confection4175 Oct 01 '22 Silver Gold Helpful Got the W I'll Drink to That

Pity they didn't use their mouths in the first place and avoid the need for a gender bullshit reveal

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u/blackhawkjj Oct 01 '22

But then they wouldn't have baby Kayden

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u/CXR_AXR Oct 01 '22

I can understand people want to share their joy to other people, but I think they can use a more "normal" way to do it

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u/Ceshomru Oct 01 '22

Ya, the blue or pink cake with white frosting is a classic and then people get to eat cake. If it aint broke dont try to fix it.

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u/kharmatika Oct 01 '22

Or like. A cute little cake. That’s how it started. A nice little layer cake and some pink food dye and a woman who has had a couple miscarriages wanting to celebrate making it to term. If it had ended there I wouldn’t mind it

I don’t blame people for wanting to celebrate and have another excuse for friends and family to buy them extra diapers and onesies(no hate for the hustle!)

But this isn’t about that. This is about a couple whose affection lies in attention seeking and a need for grand gestures, to cover up an empty, sad lack of substance or love. It represents a poisoning of our public consciousness by social media and look-at-me culture. It’s crude and pathetic.

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u/bustacean Oct 01 '22

Yep, I totally agree that social media is to blame. They see other people leading "glamorous" lives, and feel the need to do something better to prove that they're happy. It's all for the likes, because I guarantee you these people went straight to social media and posted 50 pictures and a lame paragraph about how excited they are to announce the arrival of their child.

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing bad about wanting to share in this exciting experience, but the issue here is over-indulgence. It's the same reason the people who started a fire in San Bernardino decided to use fireworks in dry brush. It's all for fake likes that give you a tiny bit of happiness and self worth.

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u/CurrentSingleStatus Oct 01 '22

That should be a severe crime. The resources we need to live are literally drying up. This should honestly warrant criminal penalties.

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u/bustacean Oct 01 '22

I'm sure they will, the waterfall is probably protected by a government agency if it's connected directly to the town's primary water source. This will be see as intentional, and they'll probably be fined heavily at least.

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u/GandhisNuke Oct 01 '22 edited Oct 01 '22

I assume they were, I don't think "I thought it would look cool" is a valid legal defense for poisoning natural resources

Edit: The Brazilian environmental protection agency is investigating the case. Let's see what comes of it

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u/Captain__Cow Oct 01 '22 Silver Gold Helpful Wholesome

On a hill overlooking the town of Jendareville, the family gathered. It was to be a party like no other. Relatives had been flown in from all corners of the globe. The event planner had developed a cocaine habit just for the occasion. Aunt may had stolen a barbeque truck.

Children frolicked in the estate gardens, trampling philodendrons and bonzais. The father-to-be, keen on getting a head start, was practicing his grilling at the barbeque truck. He twisted a couple knobs, and the truck's comically-twisted chimney belched a fireball into a nearby juniper tree. The property owners wouldn't mind; who could possibly begrudge the family their fun on such a special occasion?

Of course, all else paled in comparison to the Main Event, as well it should. A new baby was a big deal, and there was a Proper Way and an Improper Way to do things; Karen was determined to forever be known as the most proper new mother in the family.

Karen took her place on the small wooden stage, and rapped a fork against her wine glass. She nodded with satisfaction as the talking respectfully subsided, but regained her trademark scowl when she noticed that the children, ignoring her, were continuing their efforts to push over the garden's ornamental fountain. Her crystal glass described a gentle arc over the crowd before disintegrating against the fountain with a crash, earning a yelp from the children and a gasp from their parents, who Really Ought To Have Known Better Anyway, I Mean, They Could At Least Teach Their Children Some Respect, Really.

"As you all know," she began, her smile irradiating the crowd, "I... am..."

(a quick glance to make sure all eyes were on her)

" ...pregnant!"

She paused to bask in the family's applause.

"We've had an ultrasound, and we know that my baby is healthy, and today, we reveal the baby's gender-"

She was interrupted by squeals of excitement from the family, and gave them a moment to quiet down.

"...and name!"

...and this time the cheer was deafening.

"I've decided to let my mother do the honors," she continued, "so, mom, if you'd like to join me up here..."

A wizened woman in a white dress stood and began shouldering her way between relatives to get to the center aisle. By the time she reached the stage, Karen had retreived a metal briefcase from the father-to-be, and was holding it before her like an award. She and her mother took the stage, framing the case as Karen released the latch, and held it up for the crowd to see as the case opened.

Inside was an enormous red button, set garishly into a metal panel.

The assembled ranks of family held their breath.

"To the new baby," quavered the grandmother-to-be, "a new family member... and, of course, to the new mother!"

Karen beamed, soaking up the family's admiration like a bromeliad.

A wrinkled hand came down upon the button.

...at first, nothing happened. The flock held its breath. Karen smiled at them beautifically, and raised a dramatic arm.

Right on cue, one of the estate's massive fir trees burst into flame. A muffled wall of heat and pressure washed over the ecstatic crowd, receiving murmurs of approval.

Another ground-shaking thud. A field of heads turned simultaneously, just in time to see another tree immolated against the twilight sky.

She'd had a pyrotechnician flown in from Germany. He'd agreed to accept payment after the celebration, but Karen was certain that, after seeing what a special occasion this was, he'd be willing to waive his extravagent fee.

After all, she thought, nobody would want to ruin a child's first party.

A thunderclap rolled out of the valley, and heads turned once more as distant explosions began to light up the ground below, flaming constellations emerging from the shadowy forest.

Really, he ought to be paying me for the privilege of working on something so meaningful.

A building on the edge of the town exploded. Family members craned to hear the distant screams drifting up from below. A siren began to wail somewhere.

...not to mention the exposure, she added, mentally calculating a 10% surcharge.

There was a final round of explosions, fireballs rising into the night air and thunder echoing off distant hills. The crowd 'ooo'-ed and 'ahh'-ed as a flaming ambulance was flung into the air over the town's small hospital.

...and then there was silence. The crowd looked around with unfettered excitement, looking for the next explosion. A confused susurrus arose as various family members realized they hadn't seen any blue or pink amid the flames.

"To your seats, everyone!" Karen ordered, "and pull out the masks you find underneath!"

The crowd rushed back with renewed enthusiasm, and began scrabbling underneath their chairs. Karen put on her own mask. It was, appropriately, fancier than everyone else's; her welding visor automatically adjusted to ambient light.

The seated family chittered in anticipation. Karen turned to face the sky. The distant drone of a helicopter briefly cut through the sirens below.

...and the world went white.

Karen had specifically selected a thermonuclear bomb because of the pink color emitted by fusing hydrogen. She needn't have bothered, she realized now, because the light was too intense for any color to be detected.

Her visor cautiously faded into transparency as the light subsided, just in time for the shockwave to nearly knock her off her feet. She looked down to where the town had been, and was disappointed that she couldn't see the crater through the dust and debris.

Relatives begain tearing their masks off to behold the enormous mushroom blossoming from the valley.

It was bright pink.

There was a moment of stunned silence, and then the crowd began cheering uproariously. Their cheers mingled with the shockwave, still echoing off nearby mountains.

"Oh, Karen, dear!" said her mother, approaching the stage, "what a beautiful event! And so wonderful to be welcoming a new daughter into the family."

Karen smiled, knowing that nobody could possibly forget this day. She would forever be known as the Best Mother in the family.

Cheers and shockwave gave way to the thudding drone of approaching helicopters. A gunship crested the hill.

Karen wasn't worried. She was prepared. Her husband had military connections.

A surface-to-air missile hurled itself at the gunship on a plume of pink exhaust. The family's waning applause redoubled. One of the aunts fainted.

Karen turned to face the family, a megaphone clutched in her left hand.

Distant F-35s circled the valley, sounding small and hollow after Karen's performance.

She raised the megaphone to her lips.

A flaming helicopter flattened the estate's detached garage.

"AND HER NAME," she boomed, over the sound of collapsing architecture, "WILL BE... STAEYCEIGH!!"

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u/jonoghue Oct 11 '22

I'm here after the Sergeant Steer's Suspiciously-Strong Stay-awake Sauce story and dude, you're funny. This shit is funny and very well written and I too am sad that it's gotten no attention. Maybe this could be its own post I just don't know what sub this kind of absurd humor would fit in

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u/Eoppa Oct 01 '22 Silver All-Seeing Upvote

Don't go changing waterfalls.

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u/winwinnwinnie Oct 01 '22

there it is 👏

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u/FrammaLammaDingDong Oct 01 '22

Please sitck to the streamers and the cakes that you're used to.

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u/AL_GEE_THE_FUN_GUY Oct 01 '22

I know that you’re gonna think you’re special cuz babies and all.

But I think you’re just a rude ass.

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u/MatersTaters Oct 01 '22

Listen to the doctor tell you at the ultra-sound

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u/Unravelling4you Oct 01 '22

They should pay for the damages caused..

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u/Fireballs02 Oct 01 '22

I’m sure they’re just gonna name it Breighlyn. Why do all this?

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u/CharlieFibonacci Oct 01 '22 Silver Wholesome Take My Energy hehehehe

Or Breighndead

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u/descendingangel87 Oct 01 '22

“You’re named after your mother”

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u/Yeety_McYeety Oct 01 '22

"And your father."

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u/[deleted] Oct 01 '22

[deleted]

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u/rope_rope Oct 01 '22

So... Breighlina?

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u/birthdayRat Oct 01 '22 Wholesome

Breighzil would be more appropriate

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u/Nosferatatron Oct 01 '22

Couple announce that they are both fuckwits and they have brought another fuckwit into the world, heartwarming.

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u/Livid_Fudge_8421 Oct 01 '22

No one cares about ur child except you. Keep that shit at home.

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u/MeenScreen Oct 01 '22 Silver I'll Drink to That

Children are like farts.

Your own can be quite pleasant.

Other people's are fucking awful.

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u/Substantial-Egg-7233 Oct 01 '22

More like "your own are tolerable."

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u/iamthesouza Oct 01 '22 Silver

This guy farts.

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u/SwiftFool Oct 01 '22

This guy has kids lol

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u/curious_kitten_1 Oct 01 '22 I'll Drink to That

I've never understood why anyone really cares about another parent's future baby's gender. I mean, you'd say "aww lovely" either way, right?

Becoming a parent is the most magical thing in the world. For you. And maybe your immediate family. For everyone else, we couldn't really care less.

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u/AdvancedSandwiches Oct 01 '22 edited Oct 02 '22

No one does care, and it's still fine. It's a barbecue. An excuse to throw a party. The gender reveal part is 10 seconds. The rest is eating burgers and talking to friends.

Avoid an environmental catastrophe, please, but any reason to throw a party is a good reason to throw a party. Next week, fake mustache party. Week after, pot luck for foods shaped like monuments. Then after that, fuck it, backup gender reveal party where we do the other color in case we were wrong. Just come have snacks.

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u/QualityQW2 Oct 01 '22

This. Throw parties for any reason and don’t be a d-bag.

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u/blg002 Oct 01 '22

I’ve cut out all that theme nonsense from my life and just started having “we like parties” parties.

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u/IgotBanned_pk21 Oct 01 '22 edited Oct 01 '22 Take My Energy

I really couldn't believe this was a true story so I googled it and turns out it is real !!! there is an on going investigation by brazilian authorities... we,humans, are a horrible species and not worthy of this planet...

source

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u/clhomme Oct 01 '22 edited Oct 01 '22

Key here is there is an investigation.

Some US towns dye their entire river green with safe dyes. We don't know yet what dye they used... and I found nothing about this being the towns water supply amid drought.

Don't get me wrong. I hate these fucking narcissistic displays of "LOOK AT ME".

Edit - swypeErrors Edit2 - I didn't see a post from OP so I looked it up elsewhere. I'm reliably told a) this is a source of water for the town and b) they are suffering a drought.

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u/mumbullz Oct 01 '22

The vid of this incident was all over Reddit last week

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u/GlobalPhreak Oct 01 '22

"SEMA, which was promptly alerted about the party, agreed. On Monday, the agency sent a team of investigators to gather samples from the waterfall, which found “no change in the water’s physical parameters, such as color and other, and no trace of local fish mortality,” SEMA said.

The investigation, though, is still underway and aided by Mato Grosso’s Public Ministry, the state-level law enforcement agency told The Post.

While the water’s quality didn’t immediately appear to have been altered, the agency said the act of dumping a substance into the water “constitutes an infraction.” Under Brazilian law, “throwing solid, liquid or gaseous waste or debris, oils or oily substances” into the environment is subject to fines ranging from 5,000 to 50,000 Brazilian reals, or between $926 and $9,263, depending on human health effects, animal mortality and biodiversity destruction."

So... asshat move, but no damage done.

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u/UnionizeAutoZone Oct 01 '22

On Monday, the agency sent a team of investigators to gather samples from the waterfall

Wouldn't the damage have moved downstream by then...

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u/dreadperson Oct 01 '22

No fucking way.

A Boy!!!!

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u/Mngwa_X Oct 01 '22 edited Oct 01 '22

The title is incorrect. It should be more like "To do a gender reveal and not pollute crucial water supply like a complete moron in the process."

Also as an european .... what the heck is this gender reveal nonsense?

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u/cheatonstatistics Oct 01 '22

You will know soon enough, momsters have no shame in spreading the word on a global insta-scale, what’s the “standard” for celebrating parenthood nowadays…

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u/SaGlamBear Oct 01 '22

It’s already happened. This was in Brazil.

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u/Violetlibrary Oct 01 '22

You know it started out cute, I'm not sure about the rest of the world but we Americans usually throw a baby shower for new parents. Just a little party to celebrate the coming baby and everyone gives gifts for baby. Clothes, toys, diapers and many other little necessities. It helps a lot when starting out.

So the gender reveal, iirc was usually just the cake. I'm a baker, and we would get orders for this. We'd get a sealed envelope that the parents got from the doc and we'd color the cake inside blue or pink. Then ice it and they cut it at the shower to "reveal" the gender of the baby. Ideally mom and dad would both be in the dark until then.

I do not know how that turned into a whole different party, burning down forests and poisoning the water supply. We humans just take things too far, I guess.

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u/kharmatika Oct 01 '22

So. The original point of the GR was supposed to be a fun little party where you cut open a cake and got to find out your kids sex that way. First woman to do it had several miscarriages and was sort of celebrating getting to that milestone.

I personally think It’s fine and normal to be excited about a developmental milestone and to celebrate it with a few friends and family over some cake(as long as you’re cool with the kids later growing up to change that determination. The original gender reveal baby is non-binary hilariously enough). It’s NOT normal to burn a forest down or poison a river over it. People like this would do attention seeking, harmful stunts no matter what, the party isn’t the problem, these fuckstains and their need to be seen is.

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u/yeswithaz Oct 01 '22

The first woman to do it actually said a couple of years ago she wished she hadn’t started the whole thing.

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u/BigUncleHeavy Oct 01 '22

This happened in Brazil, so it's worldwide. If you haven't seen it yet, just wait.

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u/Lucy_Little_Spoon Oct 01 '22

They have a spectacle to reveal to people what their baby's genitals are, blue for penis, pink for vagina.

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u/kinokomushroom Oct 01 '22

This has to be an onion article right?

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u/CurrentSingleStatus Oct 01 '22

And here I am cursing myself to "yellow let it mellow" to try and conserve water, and I don't even live in a drought stricken area.

I'm not fucking around with water, after what so much of Europe went through this summer.

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u/shriek52 Oct 01 '22 Helpful

I hope this balloon swan comes to life and attacks them both in the most brutal way possible.

Edit: upon closer inspection, it's probably a stork. Well I hope the stork attacks them regardless.

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u/Aldous_Hoaxley Oct 01 '22

The first time I ever heard of gender reveal parties, I thought they were so people could come out to their friends and family as trans.

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